Misconceptions about forgiveness
The idea of forgiveness is often misunderstood. It may be viewed as a cop-out or as less glamorous than vengeance and payback. However, as Mahatma Gandhi said, “the weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
Forgiveness does not mean one has decided to forget, minimize or pardon the bad behavior of the offender. In fact, forgiveness only begins by acknowledging the personal harm that has been caused. At the other end of the spectrum, forgiveness also does not have to default into reconciliation or resuming any type of contact with the offender. The forgiver decides what happens next.
The path of forgiveness is not easy or instant and one might not be ready, willing or able to forgive at this moment. That is perfectly fine. Because the aftermath of the injustice by the offender involves pain, grief, betrayal, or heartbreak, each of us has his/her own personal trajectory. However, considering forgiveness can open one to greater levels of peace and the eventual reclaiming of one’s own life.
What is forgiveness?
The founder of the International Forgiveness Institute, Dr. Robert Enright, defines forgiveness as:
When unjustly hurt by another, we forgive when we overcome the resentment toward the offender, not by denying our right to the resentment, but instead by trying to offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence, and love; as we give these, we as forgivers realize that the offender does not necessarily have a right to such gifts.
Being wronged by another, we certainly have the right to how we feel and should give ourselves the sufficient time and space to come to terms with these feelings. However, continuing to wallow in anger, resentment, self-pity and sadness for years only seems harmful to the offendee and does not deliver retribution.
For this reason alone, forgiveness qualifies as an act of self-love. The person forgiving is the primary beneficiary of the benefits. Considering forgiveness opens the way to start living life as we consciously choose, not living inadvertently in reaction to the wrongdoing.
Forgiveness in Self-Healing
On the path to self-healing, forgiveness is a necessary milestone to redirect our time, attention and energy away from the offender/wrongdoing and back toward ourselves.
Time and attention
Though we have been victimized, by holding on to the feelings of being a victim, we unwittingly dedicate our time and attention to the person who has been unjust to us. This default setting on our life robs us of the time and attention that we need instead for our own life goals and progress. Thinking about forgiveness has the power to redirect our time and attention toward what WE want to accomplish in our lives.
Energy
It takes energy to keep feeding the grudge and bitterness. It causes stress, suffering, hypertension and other ailments. The cost of holding on to the status quo is too high. Scientific studies demonstrate that forgiveness can lead to better mental and emotional health: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27068160/ In self-healing, opening the way to forgiveness has the power to reenergize our consciously chosen goals.
How to begin the process of forgiveness: Action steps
With the wound on our heart or emotional and psychological self, we have a choice—we can keep picking at it and let it fester or we can do some things that are in our power to begin the healing process.
Fred Luskin, director of Stanford University Forgiveness Projects and author of best-selling books, Forgive for Good, and Forgive for Love, has created these nine steps that one can take to begin this process of forgiveness:
- First, be aware of your feelings
Put your hurt/feelings in words and share them with people you trust.
- Know that forgiveness is for your own sake
The act of forgiveness is for you so, take actions to feel better.
- Do not expect reconciliation
Instead, focus on your own peace.
- Recognize how the event is affecting you in the present
Regardless of when the hurtful event occurred, acknowledge how it is affecting you now and heal it with forgiveness.
- Learn to activate the relaxation response
When you feel upset, activate the stress management technique that works best for you, such as deep breathing, to return to a calm state.
- Concentrate on what you can control
Manage your expectations and focus on aspects of yourself that you can control.
- Move on
Engage with new, positive situations instead of replaying the old hurt.
- Be the agent of change in your life
Use your power not to concentrate on the hurt, but to live your life well.
- Change the story
By choosing forgiveness, you provide a new ending to your story and change the narrative.
Meditation on forgiveness
“If you must look back, do so forgivingly, if you must look forward, do you so prayerfully. However, the wisest thing you can do is be present in the present gratefully” –Maya Angelou
An example of a meditation you can create for yourself to self-heal:
For my own sake, I forgive you for all the wrongs I feel you have done to me. I release you from my karmic journey. I thereby unburden myself from all resentments.
All bitterness is released from my heart and I am left with the sweet spot where I once knew love. That’s me. I found me again! I am reclaiming myself. My inner self is opening and flourishing.
I forgive myself and I am thankful for the learning that has come my way as a result, that was meant for only me, for my growth. I am a better person today than yesterday. I move through my life with a new freshness and lightness.
I am whole once again. Thank you.
Space for reflection
Take a moment to write your meditation on forgiveness in your journal.
