When I was in high school, there was a cool girl a few years older than me who didn’t like me. Her name was Rosa.
She once shrieked “Fake!” at me in the hallway when we passed each other between classes. She and her Marlboro Light–smoking posse gave me dirty looks whenever I saw them. And I pretended not to notice. A friend of mine whose sister was in said posse told me that Rosa said I was “so dumb and annoying.”
As a thirteen-year-old, I was upset and confused. What did I do wrong? I had never even spoken to Rosa — how could I annoy her? And how could I make this reason to dread school go away?
I avoided her to minimize annoying her.
Anyone who has dealt with high school drama knows how consuming it can be. I thought about Rosa on every train ride and long walk to school, and thinking about what she might say next gave me stomachaches, especially on Sunday nights.
Rosa was the center of my worries. Rosa ruled my teenage world.And then … we moved. As soon as I started at my new school, Rosa was a distant memory. Within half a day in a new uniform, in a new classroom, in a new town, life was all about my new friends and new crushes and what was cool in this school. I’ve never forgotten the golden lesson of perspective that swift change gave me.
Your immediate community (school, college, industry, place of work, mom group, town, church, book club, IG following) is only one of many communities that exist. But we forget that. We’re so consumed being in whatever communities we already know, that if something goes wrong, we think, “That’s it! I’m done for!” The world seemingly collapses. When every community — no matter how big — is only ever one of millions.
I once knew a woman (an acquaintance of my mother’s) who tried to commit suicide when her husband left her for another woman. Not only had the wife lost her marriage, but her friend circle dropped her as they remained friends with her husband and started becoming friendly with “that bitch replacement.” The wife’s community abandoned her. That’s a difficult and awful thing to cope with, and I can only imagine how alone and betrayed she felt. Your community can feel like your entire world, and when it’s pulled from you, you can feel disoriented and desperate. It’s like the death of an old life, and that takes time to grieve. And for her, that was nearly it.
Contrast this story with that of a woman I coached a few years back. She was of a similar age when her husband left her. But instead of giving in to despair, she took her small divorce settlement and moved to California, something her ex-husband would never do. She then remarried within two years. Her Instagram feed is awash in happy photos of herself and her husband running through Palisades Park in Santa Monica. I always get a kick out of seeing her thrive.
I once worked with a guy who was fired because of drunken behavior at a corporate conference. This could be a career ender, right? Well, he swiftly left the advertising industry and simply moved into another field instead. Last I saw on LinkedIn, he’s doing just fine. It’s as simple as that! New community, new life.
Our communities feel all-engrossing, and they can be incredibly valuable. They can give structure and meaning to our uncertain world, and it’s nice to feel like we belong to and feel safe in them. But if you step back for a second, you’ll realize that lots of communities exist in the world. And you can have a place in many.
The truth is, your current life is just one version out of many, many potential versions. Anytime you want, there are opportunities to start over. While it may be difficult and scary at first, you can give yourself a new place, new friends, a new career, a new climate, whatever you want. Whenever you review your many life options in any situation, you feel at your most powerful. There are options everywhere, all the time. The choice is yours.
It’s a great reminder not to despair.
You and your potential are more significant than what feels insurmountable. Just know that what feels enormous and heavy to you is nothing compared to the endless possibilities that lie before you. You’re way more free than you realize.
Excerpted from the book Let It Be Easy . Copyright ©2021 by Susie Moore. Printed with permission from New World Library — www.newworldlibrary.com.
