“Most importantly, be gentle with yourself. You can’t hate yourself into change. You can’t shame yourself into change. It just doesn’t work. The one-way change can happen is if you can love yourself as you are, and then, from that place of love, you can muster up the faith and courage you’ll need in order to do what must be done.” ~ Tosha Silver
If we understand the concept of putting on our own oxygen mask before helping others, then why is it so hard to put this wisdom into action? The answer lies with the false belief so many women hold that to have value, we must take care of other people.
Traditionally women were socialized to nurture others and attached their value and worth to this role. Over time more roles were added to our expectations of women, including working outside the home, volunteering in the community, holding leadership roles of different kinds, and being the best mother, daughter, partner, and friend that they can be.
The expectation that women should be everything to everyone results in women feeling that they never measure up. I have often heard women say that there must be something wrong with them that they cannot meet these unattainable standards. These unrealistic expectations fuel the cycle of giving more and more, which leads to more exhaustion, overwhelm, and resentment and fuels women feeling guilty or selfish taking time for themselves.
This unhealthy cycle leads many women to feel like they are living life on the hamster wheel, struggling to get all the things done they need to, and feeling little joy or meaning as a result. Trying to meet unrealistic expectations leaves women chronically overwhelmed, exhausted, and stressed, which negatively impacts their health, mental health, and relationships. Our “to-do” lists overflow with tasks, and when we think about caring for ourselves, it can often feel like another responsibility to add to our lists. Many women recognize that this is no way to live, but don’t know where to even begin to break the cycle.
In my counseling practice and in my own life, I have found self-nurturing to be the answer to so many of the challenges my clients face. It is the way out of exhaustion and overwhelm and into health and wellness. It is the light that can transform the darkness of unrealistic expectations and the hope for humanity to live with more love and compassion in the world. It is the way out of a scarcity mindset and into an abundance mindset, where there is so much more possibility.
Self-nurturing opens us to more creativity, awareness, insight, and wisdom than we knew was possible. It gives us direct access to our truth and intuition. I have witnessed remarkable healing and empowerment when clients have understood the power of self-nurturing. Time after time, clients have identified self-nurturing as the key that transformed their lives. I am deeply grateful to have experienced that personally and hope you will too!
We have the power to transform feeling inadequate as a result of all those unrealistic expectations into love for ourselves through self-nurturing. With each act of self-nurturing, we learn to value ourselves. The more that we value ourselves and recognize our self-worth, the more we prioritize nurturing ourselves creating a beautiful self-fulfilling cycle. We can begin today by being kinder and more compassionate to ourselves and tuning into what we feel and need. We can remind ourselves that the practice is not about being perfect or completing another thing on our “to-do” lists, but rather nurturing a relationship with ourselves.
When we give ourselves permission to recognize what is nurturing in any given moment and allow our practice to evolve accordingly, we can authentically express who we are in the world. Self-nurturing embraces our individual preferences, provides opportunities to learn about ourselves, and express ourselves. Self-nurturing can be an individual or shared experience and helps us understand more about ourselves and the world around us. This journey is about the process, not a final product, and has the power to unfold in beautiful and inspiring ways.
If you are looking for support on the journey, my bestselling book The Art of Self-Nurturing: A Field Guide To Living With More Peace, Joy, and Meaning, is designed to make your journey easier.
The Art of Self-Nurturing includes all of the self-nurturing practices I’ve used in my decades of counseling, and shared with organizations of all sizes, as well as inspiration and reflective questions to give you the foundational principles of self-nurturing, and strategies on how to cultivate and integrate the practices into your life.
Rather than continue living from obligation and overwhelm, it’s time to become the artist of your own life and cultivate a life filled with self-compassion and self-love.
May you be inspired to cultivate your own self-nurturing practice, as you nurture peace in the world from the inside out!
Sending you peace, love and gratitude, Kelley
