What do you do when you seem to have outgrown some of the people in your life?
Yesterday I was catching up with a friend and we got to talking about how confusing it can be when you no longer resonate with some of the people around you. This friend—let’s call her Kathy—had evolved quite a bit in the past few years. While she was happy with all the changes she’d made in her life, she’d started to realize that she’d outgrown some of her friends and loved ones. As she became more positive and mindful, the gap widened, and it was now at the point where she no longer enjoyed her time with them. It was also pretty clear they weren’t thrilled about the “new” her. In fact, her mother was now constantly referring to the old days—back when she wasn’t as secure with herself, and a friend had started teasing her about her growing interest in spirituality.
I could totally relate to her frustration. At different points in my life, I’ve had very similar experiences. For example, when I became sober and left all the partying and drinking behind, I had to say goodbye to a lot of old friends because we no longer shared the same ideals. As I talk about in Remembering the Future, it was at times painful and lonely to move forward, but it also lead me to my true calling and to more nurturing relationships with new people.
One of the surprisingly common aspects of personal growth is the realization that our relationships may not grow in the same direction. Each of us is on a unique path in life, full of changing experiences, perceptions, interests, and needs. While we often bond with others out of shared interests and desires, what brought us together sometimes isn’t enough to sustain our relationship in the long-run. Our lives sometimes go in completely different directions, or we may no longer share the same level of consciousness.
What makes things even more confusing is when the people around you refuse to see the “new” you. When you change, you upset their vision of you and sometimes even themselves. As you gain the courage to be more of who you are, you’re implicitly a challenge to their world order. In some cases, it makes it harder for them to close their eyes to what they might not want to face in their lives. Like Kathy’s mother and friend, you may be unfairly teased and ridiculed or even get the cold shoulder, none of which is very fun!
So, what do you do when you’ve realized that you’ve outgrown a relationship? As hard as it is to accept, it may be time to move on so you can find the friendships and community that nourish you now.
Supportive relationships are an intrinsic part of a meaningful life. Our friends, loved ones, and all the other people in our community nurture us, help us grow, and teach us to love. When we don’t feel nourished by a relationship, it becomes a drain in our lives. The more time we spend in draining relationships, the more we lose touch with our authenticity; we disconnect from our intuitive guidance and the light dims on our highest path.
It’s been said that you’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Though we’re all individuals, to a certain extent the people who we choose to surround ourselves with also define our lives. No matter how positive you are, choosing to surround yourself with draining relationships will eventually bring you down. On the other hand, making the choice to connect with positive people will inspire and empower you on your path.
Exercises:
1. Get Clear on Relationships that Drain You
Are there any relationships in your life that are draining you? Is there anyone you don’t feel good around or free to be yourself with? Allow you intuition to give you the answer.
Is it time to move on from this relationship? If so, how can you do so in a conscious way? While it might be tempting to just disappear or avoid the person, this doesn’t allow for real healing. When you say goodbye with grace, you honor what you did have at one point and you open yourself to connecting with more supportive people.
If it isn’t time to say goodbye, what step can you take to set boundaries? Perhaps it’s time to have a heart to heart and be clear on what you will and will not tolerate.
2. Build a More Supportive Community
Who would you like to spend more time around? Make a list of all the qualities you’d like in the people you hang out with.
Where might you meet these people? Perhaps you already have an acquaintance who you’d like to spend more time with? Make a commitment to reach out to one new person this week!
love, love, love it!
Thank you so much for this article. These are all words I needed to be affirmed within myself. It’s so hard to stay true to yourself sometimes- but knowing I’m not alone in the struggle gives me hope and strength. 😉 Many blessings!
My difficulty is that I do love my friend and I don’t want to hurt her.
Great post…what becomes especially difficult is when the person you have outgrown is your mother, who is spiritually immature and refuses to be spoken to without being insulted, but you do not have the financial resources to avoid her just yet. Moreover, what is even more difficult is worrying that if or when you have children you don’t want your children spending too much unsupervised time around your mother and inculcating the wrong things or being exposed to emotional manipulative tactics.
This is exactly what I’ve been feeling like. It’s been almost more than a year of me brushing this feeling. I’m at the point where I can’t take it anymore. Instead of change I’m thinking of it as me loosing all my friends. These girls are my core friends we’ve been friends for years, some 14 and some 7 years, but I haven’t been feeling good about myself whenever I am around them I leave feeling bad because all they do is sit around and either gossip or talk about meaningless I don’t find interesting. I like to spend my time with inspiring people who love to live. Whenever I talk about life or goals they make fun of me or say something that upsets me. I want to be around people who are passionate with what they do, who love to have a good time, I want to spend time with people I call laugh the night away with. I don’t remember that last time I had a good laugh with them. I’m scared that I will regret not being with friends because they are the closest to me. Loosing them means not having someone to hangout with on weekends. Also I don’t want a fight to happen where when we see one another we can’t talk. I don’t want to feel guilty, I don’t want to be blamed for breaking up a group because I feel like I am the glue that keeps them together. but I really want out. I don’t know how to leave without creating drama.
I have been feeling like this for 2 years now esp after I lost my mom from stroke. It is hard to say goodbye without hurting old good friends for we have been friends since we were 7 yrs old. More like my sisters whom I never had but somehow after my mother’s death, I just lost interest and as your article stated conversation deems meaningless and I am looking for more meaningful conversation with them. more about their lives not some person half across the planet and about the past and past people we knew. I truly felt I lost touch and my expectations are all different. As this article stated I also felt that my mission with this friends are done and have to move on to help others. Seeing them all happy and content made me feel at peace. I just don’t know how to inform them that I need to move on without hurting them.
It’s me again. So much has changed since my last post 2 months ago. I went on a family vacation to California (still on it) I decided to not give out my us numbers to any of my friends. I just wanted to be alone and clear my head because I was so confused. Being away from them helped me decide what I want in life. This summer I’ve spent most of my time with my two fav cousins that I relate so much to because we were basically raised together. I also spent alot of time with people I used to go to school with, non from my class we’re not close but we’ve known each other since forever. Anyways, I had so much fun with them I laughed so hard, haven’t laughed this much in a while. It made me realize what kind of people I want in my life. I did not miss my friends at all, I actually love the person I am without them and I definitely want to distance myself as much as I can from them without causing drama. I guess I will have to do it gradually. I want to meet more interesting people at work and around. I would also love to hang out with the friends I made this summer when we all get back home. Of coarse I do feel bad about letting go of my friends since we were friends forever but I realize that is whats best for me. I’m worried about their reactions because I don’t feel like confronting them or talking about my feelings with them it is better to move on gradually than do it at once it will hurt me less and them maybe. I can never say to them what I’m feeling because it might come across as rude and I certainly do not want to hurt anyone’s feelings. But I’m definitely ready to let go of them and some other people from my past that I don’t feel have my best interest at heart. I just want to do me, enjoy life, have fun, and laugh. I want to live an honest life.
I’m outgrowing my friends I already know it I feel like I can’t have a conversation without being confused or uninterested in the conversation and other friends just seem immature. There are like 2 friends who I feel like I still like and can undrained and be friends with but. I tried talking to them about it I talked to one of them who still hung out with us but also with other people and asked her if she was experiencing the same thing but she said she wasn’t and just knew how to hang out with a variety of people. The other one who had basically moved on from us but still were somewhat our friends said she didn’t understand and that was that. I want to make new friends but every ones got a clic a group a best friend I don’t well I don’t feel like it and it’s hard because sometimes I don’t even want to go to school because I know I’m gonna have to talk to them and hang out with them because I have no one else… someone please help