I’m going to take a wild guess and assume that you like getting your way in your relationship, right? Hey, it’s ok… we all do!
But what if I told you that trying to get your way is causing a big chunk of your relationship problems? And every couple navigates this challenge (sometimes multiple times a day)!
In fact, getting your way shows up in your work, with your kids and in all of your relationships. It’s a fundamental dynamic.
The White-Knuckle Grip
At some point, most of us find ourselves in a tug-of-war—my way versus your way. Of course, we think that our way is the one and only right way and if our partner sees it differently, they must be wrong!
This happens a lot when there’s one parent who’s the disciplinarian and one parent who wants to take the gentle, nurturing approach.
And it can be this way with anything—money, time, work, in-laws, health, eating, spirituality, the house… all the ‘things’ that we find ourselves fighting about. The basis for where the rapport got lost, where we started fighting, is my way versus your way.
We’re too busy beating on the outside of the bubble trying to convince them that our way is the right way that we can’t even see their perspective.
But here’s what you probably don’t realize: When your partner has a white-knuckle grip on their side of something you don’t agree on, they’re just matching the intensity of your white-knuckle grip on the other side. The harder you pull, the more they resist.
If you’re the gentle parent and you are pushing hard against your partner, saying, “Oh no, you’re being too strict, you’re going to crush them,” they’re going to push back just as hard, saying, “You’re coddling them, they’re never going to learn anything.”
Here’s the truth—neither one of you is wrong! You’re just so focused on your white-knuckle grip that you keep tugging and tugging and tugging. You’ve lost sight of what the fight was even about and at this point, you’re just worried about “my way.” You have to release the grip and balance things out.
How Do We Align?
So how can you stop battling each other? You have to stop trying to win and focus on alignment.
Most of us haven’t sat down and made a system. Instead, we got married and we thought, “Oh, we’ll always see eye to eye on the big things because we love each other.”
Then you crash and burn when it doesn’t work that way. Life happens and suddenly you have big decisions to make and, surprise, surprise, you don’t agree on everything.
Do we lease or do we buy?
Do we put our kids in public school or private school?
Do you get Wednesday night out with the guys after the baby is born?
Now you’re fighting and you think, “Oh my gosh, what happened? Did I choose the wrong partner?”
You always thought you’d align, so you panic, and you don’t know what to do. It’s called the Accidental Alignment Predicament.
Think back to before you got married, before you lived together, and before you had kids. Did you and your partner sit down and align on parenting, money, the household, work, your relationship with family, spirituality, health and all the other things we’re talking about here?
Did you find where you differed and share your perspectives, dreams, fears, concerns and beliefs on how you thought it should be? Did you work through the differences, solve them and create a map of how you would navigate each part of your family together?
Of course, you didn’t do that! But that’s exactly what you have to do. You have to come together and make a system, an order and a structure for how you are going to tackle these things together. You have to let go of winning. Ditch “my way.”
Your Partner Isn’t the Enemy
Now, here’s the deal. You didn’t sit down in advance and make the systems and the plans. You didn’t do the work. This is on you, too. But now, every time you fight with your partner you blame them.
You’ve been fighting the wrong enemy the entire time. Your partner isn’t wrong. They’re just a free human being with ideas and fears and dreams, and the two of you never sat down and talked about that. You never designed alignment.
Imagine if I told you that the solution to these fights was just to do it the way your partner wants you to. You give up your way and you give them their way. You’ll be trapped doing it that way for the rest of your days.
How does that feel? Do you think you’d be happy? Do you think you’d feel good doing it their way even when they weren’t around? No! But that’s what you want them to do, right?
The enemy is not your partner—it’s the Accidental Alignment Predicament. Alignment is not demanded. It’s created. You seek it and you build upon it to create more of it.
Systems that Lead to a Win/Win
If you really want the dream that you have for your family, you have to do that. You have to design alignment. You have to create systems.
Paul and I have done it in every single area of our family life. We came together, we wrote it down and we didn’t stop until we were done. And that may sound like an intense amount of work, but guess what? I’m free because we did it. It’s worth it.
No one ever tells us this. No one ever tells us that we need to plan and communicate a system for laundry: where it’s going to be and who’s going to pick it up and who’s not going to pick it up.
But once you do it, everyone in the house understands how laundry works. Everyone can take personal responsibility and you don’t have to police it. No more, “Pick it up. Don’t leave your socks there. Why am I picking this stuff up again?” The system takes that all away.
Make the Choice
You can keep fighting the same battles over and over and living on the fly until one of you gets fed up. Or, you can make the choice to come together and create systems that value both of you—and your dreams and hopes and fears and beliefs. You can create a foundation you get to live in for a lifetime.
If you’re ready to align and create those plans so your family can be free, we have laid out all the tools and strategies you need. You can get started with one of our programs and make the change today! Click here to find out more: Relationship Development.
