Evenings filled with tossing, turning, and voices of self-doubt dancing in my head. I can’t even count the number of nights I saw all the hours on the clock between laying down and the sun coming up. Three o’clock in the morning was always my favorite one. Some refer to it as the witching hour.
As I lay there in the dark, thrashing my blanket, negative chatter screaming in my head, I’d beseech sleep to come. Instead my mind would dredge up every misstep, every perceived error, every thoughtless choice. It seemed that the three o’clock hour was the most evocative because that was where the real messy feelings of guilt and judgment showed up.
I rehashed all the mom guilt, judgment about self-image, and bad relationships that I knew weren’t in my best interest, it would all play out as I tossed and turned. I questioned if I’d ever be able to trust myself and my judgment again. I had come to believe my track record of always making the wrong choice. This belief became pervasive in my career and my personal life. I couldn’t choose a pair of shoes to wear without second, third and fourth guessing myself. Can you relate?
The (Almost Fatal) Cost of Dismissing My Intuition
The truth is, I was intentionally dismissing my intuition; even when it was screaming at me. It came to a head one night, when my refusal to listen to my inner voice resulted in an almost fatal accident. I was out of town on a trip with my husband and children and ended up in a devastating car crash. Before we left, I had numerous indications from my intuition that something was amiss, and we should not be going on the trip. That night, I tried to pull myself together and I held my children as they quaked with fear. I realized that I had no choice but to start listening, if not for me then for them.
Stepping onto the Path of Trust.
I had no idea how to start trusting myself and my inner voice, but I knew that there was no one else in the universe that was a bigger champion for me. I was the only one who always showed up and I had to learn to rely on ME! The next day, I set out to have at least one celebration of trust. I started with small, bite-sized steps that were manageable, without creating more stressful, sleepless nights. I grew into allowing my intuition to guide me in making decisions about flying across the country to attend an event because I was led to, without overthinking or creating stress for myself.
Here are 3 basic principles that I have adopted to rebuild and continue to strengthen my ability to trust myself.
- GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY. Ego is always throwing up blocks to keep you small and safe. Ego does not operate in faith and your new relationship with trust is one based on faith and evidence, which only comes after faith. The most effective way you can convince yourself that you can be trusted is to show yourself. NOTE: Sometimes, the choices that seem to come with the worst outcomes are often the most important lessons you need to learn. There exists an element of trust, even when something seems like a mistake. The ability to trust that a sequence of events is the exact right circumstance for you, hinges on the ability to see past the discomfort of it. When I make a decision based on my intuition, and it comes with unintended elements; I allow myself to rest in the moment and to receive all that the choice and outcomes have to teach me. If you look quietly, you will begin to see the growth, the lesson, the purpose. You will allow yourself to trust.
- TEST YOUR INTUITION. I love playing games with myself and testing the best way to hear my inner voice and how different things manifest most easily. I would start with just listening to your intuition about small things, like which street to turn on for a great parking spot. The grocery store is also a fun place to test your intuition. I like to peruse the aisles and select a sale item that I generally don’t buy. Then I follow my inner guidance to pair things with it. In total transparency, there have been a few fails in this exercise, but I always keep the perspective that this is for fun and my inner guidance was providing me with evidence that I don’t need to try gefilte fish again. This exercise has also allowed me to have some of the most unexpected, really amazing foods, too, including rambutan. Never heard of it? Go ahead and Google. On the outside, ugly, spiny, hairy; on the inside, it is a rich, fresh and sweet fruit similar to a lychee. Test it and treat yourself!
- HAVE FUN WITH IT. This is always the most difficult part. If you are emotionally invested in the outcomes and events, you will inevitably feel some level of stress. If you just surrender and allow the universe and your higher self to guide you, you can give yourself permission to just be in the present and enjoy the moment…. Knowing that the exact scenario is unfolding in the exact right way to support you. I recently signed up for an event in Sedona, without knowing anything about the location, very little about the host and not one other participant. Just after I made the reservations, I wondered to myself – what exactly I was doing. As I settled into the knowing that I can trust the decisions I make and my intuition, I discovered that I was embarking on a life affirming journey into my own sovereignty. That level of personal growth would never have been possible if I was not willing to trust.
Tap into Your Inner Wisdom
Trust comes in so many colors, flavors and scents. Be sure to tap into your inner wisdom and allow yourself to find the answers to your questions and the path that best serves you will be illuminated by your trust. Knowing that you can trust yourself without question is the most fulfilling gift you can ever give yourself.
