You stand at the doorway of the room you stash stuff in. Your daughter used to sleep here. Now her old bed is covered with piles of papers collected from the kitchen counter that you would “get to later.” Bags of store purchases form islands of clutter. Rolls of gift wrap from December teeter on a rocking chair. Several laundry baskets full of odds and ends stack next to the painted student desk. Beyond the heaps of your stuff are dusty shelves of her trophies and books that you aren’t sure she wants.
Before you realize it, you close the door and decide you really don’t have time to retrieve the item that may be somewhere in there. Suddenly, your morning feels derailed. Getting out of the house sounds appealing. Or maybe just going back to bed. The only emotion that registers consciously is feeling overwhelmed.
Avoidance is a well-worn path. I mean that literally. Our brains create neural connections every time we do something. The more the action is repeated, the more a neural connection gets strengthened. Think about a child who builds and rebuilds a block tower, or who insists upon putting on his shoes and buckling his car seat “by his–self!”
Those moments of independence accomplish more than making than the parent late, they serve a critical function in the brain’s neural pathway construction. Repetition creates neural pathways which create automatic behavior. What is initially effortful becomes second nature.
Now consider the phrase, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” This saying reflects an outdated concept about human aging that claims a person’s neural pathways are set and not likely to change. Recent science declares this to be untrue. The brain—even later in life—has the potential for neuroplasticity, which means it is dynamic, not static.
Forging new pathways and creating new habits becomes possible with conscious attention. First, by believing that behaviors can be changed. Second, by cultivating awareness of how you are acting and reacting. Third, by practicing new behaviors, knowing that they will feel a bit awkward and effortful at first.
What does all of this mean for the junk room? Well, I’m not calling you an old dog, but I am inviting you to consider which of your neural pathways are creating a rut and how you speak to yourself about it.
When the moment of overwhelm hits you as you stand at the doorway of the cluttered room, more is happening under the surface. Consciously, your brain tells you to avoid the situation. Beneath that, brain and body floods because of visual stimulation. Combine that with an inner critic berating you about how the room got that way, and it’s as if an alarm is sounding: “Abandon ship!”
In order to create a non-flooded state of mind and body, you must calm down enough to cultivate awareness. Use deep, even breaths to re-center. What sensations are you feeling? What thoughts are you having? Observe these as a non-judgmental witness.
In many cases, this can be hard to do alone. Having an actual person there as a non-judgmental witness allows you to process the overwhelming feelings differently. Many clients rely on me to serve that purpose. Having another person there who fully supports you will anchor you to the task and make it doable. Choose someone who is supportive and non-judgmental, meaning, she isn’t groaning, making negative comments or giving advice. The most helpful thing she can do is to stand next to you while you face it.
While it sounds simple—like something you can get by without—having a helper produces a very powerful dynamic. In my book, Who Am I Now? Realign Your Home and Life, I write about different kinds of support you might use to tackle areas that overwhelm you. Some involve investing in expert help, others cost nothing.
Consider having a helper when practicing new behaviors as you work through the backlog. A helper can presort items or follow your rules about what to keep or discard. A new behavior to try on your own or with a helper includes going into the room on a mission to find one type of thing, such as empty boxes or bags of household supplies. Then get that category of things sorted and put away. Another idea is to take one pile or box out of the cluttered space and process it in a clear space.
Each of these ideas bypasses the all-or-nothing habit of feeling overwhelmed and then avoiding action. This neural pathway rut is not serving you. You can choose to nurture new neural pathways, knowing that it is possible to change habits via building awareness and trying out new behaviors.
Your new awareness of what is causing your body and brain to react means that what’s happening isn’t about character flaws, as your inner critic would have you believe. Notice what triggers result in feeling overwhelmed. Be curious about what you experience as strong feelings arise. Enlist support to open to this new awareness.
Then take action by trying out different responses. If the visual stimulation sets your brain abuzz, bring boxes out of that space into a calmer environment. Have a non-judgmental helper make the actions easier.
Avoiding action because of feeling overwhelmed is a habit that you can change. What can you gain by trying a new approach? A usable space and findable possessions are just a couple of benefits. Even more powerful is being the person you want to be.
