You want more in your relationship, right? More love. More passion. More alignment. More teamwork. More sex. More excitement. More connection. More fulfillment… you want MORE!
And maybe you feel like you have tried “everything” to fix your relationship? And yet, the changes you desire never become reality?
You’ve tried to get your partner to see things differently, do things differently, look at things differently… so that you can try to make things the BEST they can be, right?
Or maybe you’ve tried to get him to work with you to fix what’s going on so that things don’t keep sliding down-hill for the two of you?
The truth is, it’s not your fault. The reason that things aren’t as good as they could be (or the reason things are in a tough spot right now) is not your fault.
And, it’s not your partner’s fault either.
The truth is, the reason why nothing has worked yet to fix your relationship is the difference between Demand Relationship™ and Relationship Development®.
Demand Relationship is when you say to your partner,
“I’m not really happy with this. You need to change it.”
“I don’t like that tone. Please stop using that tone with me.”
“I don’t like the way [this] is going in the house. This needs to change.”
Demand Relationship is when you tell other people what they need to do or change to make you happy (to be more pleasing to you).
This is pretty much how relationship has worked for centuries. The problem is, Demand Relationship only works when one person in the in the relationship is not free to go.
Many years ago, that was the case. Men had the power in the relationship and a woman did not. What the man said went, and women learned how to please, compromise or use other tactics in order to try to get their own needs met.
However, when both people in the relationship are free, Demand Relationship fails. If all that that has been going on in a relationship has been Demand Relationship tactics (demands, guilt, shame, blame, criticism), eventually the non-power player, who is free to go, will reach what we call THRESHOLD, and it looks something like this…
“I am the fuck outta here! I’ve had it. I don’t need your money. I don’t need this house. I’ll take the kids and get my own place. I don’t need your shit anymore. I’m done.”
Why?
Because NO BODY likes to be controlled or manipulated.
And you know this, because you HATE it when someone tries to control or manipulate you? Am I right?
A few decades ago, in many parts of the world, women became free. We could have our own money, buy our own homes and take care of our own families. And around the same time, divorce became legal and men also became free to go.
People started doing the classic Demand Relationship exit…leaving.
Most people leave to go find a better Demand Relationship player, right? One who will treat us nicer, better [insert yours here].
Or if we have been the non-power player, sometimes we leave the relationship thinking, “Screw this. I’m tired of being the loser in my relationships. I’m going to find a non-power player partner (someone I can get my way with) and I’m going to be in charge next time!”
Demand Relationship is falling apart at such epic rates, it’s everywhere you look.
The pain is so great, people are almost giving up on relationship as a thing because they mistakenly think Demand Relationship is relationship.
We have epidemic going on of people who are saying, “I’m done. No more relationship.”
It wasn’t relationship, it was Demand Relationship that was failing.
And so now we have a disposable relationship epidemic that we have been saddled with.
Demand Relationship needs to end…
There’s another option. It’s the methodology Paul and I discovered and developed… Relationship Development®.
Relationship Development is when you learn how to be happy regardless of what goes on around you and relate in a way that builds up your relationships instead of controlling or oppressing others.
In Relationship Development, we don’t use Demand Relationship tactics, like pleasing, compromise, control, guilt, blame, shame, manipulation, punishing, stonewalling, etc to get what we want.
Instead, we do the work to learn how to be happy regardless of what goes on around us. Instead of asking everyone to change in order to get what we want to be happy, we actually do the work to shift ourselves to get to happy within.
Happiness is an inside job. The sad truth is, we blame our partners for not making us happy, when we ourselves have not yet learned how to make ourselves happy.
In Relationship Development, we learn the skill set of how to show up in our relationships with others in a way that builds up our relationships with them and brings out the best in them, instead of perpetuating what we have always done, that doesn’t get good results.
Make no mistake, Relationship Development is NOT letting everyone else walk all over you and just being NICE in return.
That is still DEMAND RELATIONSHIP. Yes, it is. Being nice and just letting everyone walk all over you is just being the non-power player in a demand relationship.
It’s so deeply ingrained in our blueprints that it is really common for people to first learn about Relationship Development and think that if they give up Demand Relationship, then they will be the LOSER and the other person will be the WINNER.
That’s not what Relationship Development is. Far from it.
Here’s what I really want you to see now.
Demand Relationship is not LOVE. Those words on the demand side of the chart, that’s not love. And yet, how many times do we show up from the demand side of the chart in our relationships that are supposed to be about love?
The truth is, you are either BUILDING UP or BREAKING DOWN your relationship in every moment of the day, depending on which side of the chart you are showing up from.
Really look at this:
When you show up from Demand Relationship you are breaking down your relationship in that moment.
When you show up from Relationship Development® you are building up your relationship in that moment.
It’s not happening TO you. YOU are doing this. It’s a choice.
You have the power to show up from the Relationship Development side of the chart, equipped with the tools and strategies that really work to get the results that you want.
THIS is why everything else you have tried has failed.
Book after book, shelf after shelf, all teaching you how to be a better Demand Relationship player, how to “win” at Demand Relationship.
The books, the couples counseling, all of it, it’s all rooted in the Demand Relationship paradigm.
There’s nothing wrong with you. You didn’t pick wrong. It’s just that everything you’ve been taught, and all that was modeled to you was demand relationship.
Demand Relationship literally cannot exist in a day and age where everyone is free to go. Everyone can and DOES flip the channel if they are unhappy today.
Demand Relationship is creating so much unnecessary suffering just because we’ve been handed a dynamic that just doesn’t work.
Demand Relationship is dead, and it is time to evolve and rise into Relationship Development®.
It’s a skillset. It can be learned.
