I attended a workshop a few years ago called “The Courage to Lead” based on the teachings of Parker Palmer. His teachings changed how I approach my career and my life. In his book A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life, Parker Palmer claims that we have been living divided lives.
He writes:
Afraid that our inner light will be extinguished, or our inner darkness exposed, we hide our true identities and become separated from our own souls. We end up leading divided lives, far removed from our birthright wholeness.
The divided life comes in many and varied forms. To cite just a few examples, it is the life we lead when:
- We refuse to invest ourselves in our work, diminishing its quality and distancing ourselves from those it is meant to serve
- We remain in settings or relationships that steadily kill off our spirit
- We hide our beliefs from those who disagree with us to avoid conflict, challenge, and change
- We conceal our true identities for fear of being criticized, shunned, or attacked
Source: http://www.yesmagazine.org/issues/healing-resistance/a-life-lived-whole
Palmer’s work has taught me that until my inner life and my work in the world are fully integrated, I won’t be happy or achieve the success I claim to want. I will continue to chase dreams and ideas on a quest for meaning rather than creating a meaningful career that allows all of me to shine.
I cannot be other than who I am. I cannot separate the wife, mother, artist, marketer, and coach. I cannot ignore or avoid the parts of building my business or healing myself that make me uncomfortable. I have to learn to trust myself to do them my way and I must have the courage to lead by sharing what I learn. This is my calling, my purpose and my vision.
Hiding in Plain Sight
Palmer writes that living a divided life causes us to conceal our true identities because we are afraid. I am good at finding ways to hide in plain sight. If you were to Google my name or connect with me on Facebook, you might think I am being very visible. Yet there are parts of myself that I have been hiding for years because I am afraid of not being enough.
I was speaking with some clients recently about how important faith and belief are to our business success. If we don’t believe we will be successful, we won’t. As we were discussing this, I realized I have been living a divided life. I haven’t been hiding but I also haven’t been sharing or speaking about what I am struggling with. There is a clear gap separating my mind and my heart.
Our Conflicting Emotions Get in the Way of Success
People see me as confident, brave and successful. But I am also full of self-doubt, frustration and fear. Since my teenage years I have struggled with my weight. I currently weigh more than I ever have in my life. I am not proud of this fact; I feel ashamed. I have created a clear dividing line between my inner life and my outer life. One that says I am smart, capable and confident in the business world and in public. But in private? I have ignored, berated and judged myself for how I see myself in the mirror.
When I am honest with myself I can see how this divided life has kept me playing small. Because I don’t feel confident inside, I don’t reach out in a bigger way like applying to speak at larger events and conferences or seeking out partnerships with others who are more successful than I am. I don’t want to do video or have new headshots taken because I am not happy with how I look.
Recommitting to Wholeness
Committing to wholeness and integration means committing to love all of me. This year my most important work is not my business. My most important work is loving myself – my whole self.
I don’t need another diet or exercise plan. This is not about my physical body. This is about healing my relationship with myself.
When I focus on loving my whole self, I believe that anything is possible. Over the past few years I have been gathering all the broken, shattered pieces of myself; putting them back together one bright shiny piece at a time.
One of the ways I am focusing on self-love and healing my relationship with myself is through art and writing. I am writing love notes to myself almost every day.
I Am Practicing Kindness
I am practicing kindness
Sunlight pouring through me
To brighten my thoughts
I see beauty in a hand
Perhaps a toe
Or a curl of hair
I look longingly for
Compassion in other parts
Seek kindness for this belly
These thighs that have
Carried me for 53 years
Without complaint
I am practicing gazing
Into the mirror of myself
Swirling depths of disbelief
Judgment and fear have been
My constant companions
Now kindness enters
Lightness shines for
A vibrant remembering
I am whole
I May Not Always Feel Wonderful
I may not always feel wonderful
Upon waking
After meditating
Or gazing at my reflection
I may not always be able
to see Grace
To feel love
To marvel at myself
Some days are gray days
Sad
Colorless
Silent
And it’s okay
I am okay
Because I know
There are other days
And this day
This gray
This silence
Is me too
I have found writing these notes to be a spiritual balm to my broken spirit. There are days when I cannot feel the sunlight, when doubt lingers like the fog over the mountains outside my window.
In these tense moments, I hold on to Palmer’s words of wisdom:
“I pay a steep price when I live a divided life, feeling fraudulent, anxious about being found out, and depressed by the fact that I am denying my own selfhood. The people around me pay a price as well, for now they walk on ground made unstable by my dividedness. How can I affirm another’s integrity when I defy my own?”
As a business coach who helps creative women entrepreneurs to build profitable businesses, I know how important integrity is. One definition of integrity is wholeness. Each day is a commitment to being in integrity with myself. Each day offers the chance to start fresh, to gather the fragments and to see my whole beautiful self.
Write your own “I am” love note
I encourage you to practice writing love notes to yourself. Perhaps you need to boost your confidence, shift your money mindset or commit to being more visible in your business. Try this simple daily love note practice for a few days or a few weeks.
Gather your journal and favorite pen, find a few moments of solitude and take a deep breath. Write the words “I am” at the top of the page. Then fill in the blank with whatever occurs to you. These are love notes to you. What do you need to hear?
