Are you exhausted from working so hard to reach your personal or professional goals?
Are you frustrated that your attempts to “improve yourself” aren’t working?
Do you feel like a failure because you’re having a hard time keeping up with everything happening in the world, and in your life?
If you said yes, you’re not alone. With so much going on these days, and so many things vying for your attention, it can be very challenging to keep up and stay focused on what you want to achieve for yourself.
And if you’ve been alive for any length of time, you’ve probably absorbed the notion that if you’re not moving, you’re dying.
There’s a certain work ethic that goes back a few centuries and declares you must constantly be working on yourself, you must constantly strive to prove your worth in the world, and anything less than hard work means you’re lazy and a failure and doomed to a life of utter dreadfulness.
As I type that I feel constricted inside. How about you?
For many people it’s constricting. Suffocating even. For others it’s a way of life and that’s fine. For them.
If you’ve been feeling like you just don’t measure up, you might believe you don’t want whatever you want bad enough, or you have some incurable flaw or defect, or you haven’t done enough work on your limiting beliefs.
The world is not going to stop while you handle those things, so while you’re working on yourself you must also:
Work hard. Play harder. (Why can’t play just be fun?) #Hustle! Take massive action!
Right around the new year, the cacophony of messages was even louder than usual. I saw a never-ending stream of emails and social media posts about setting all your goals and intentions (while still transitioning from the holidays, mind you). I sensed an intense rush to start achieving goals and taking names and kicking ALL limiting beliefs to the curb.
The peace and tranquility of the holidays turned into DO IT NOW! And to me it seemed more intense this year.
I started my coaching practice with that same mad rush. I was excited. I was eager. I was in a hurry to make a difference in people’s lives. I was facing my fears and taking names. Lovingly. Sometimes.
In some ways, my efforts worked out well. They led to helping women transform their working lives and relationships, co-authoring two best-selling transformational books, and many fun and fulfilling relationships with like-minded people.
They inspired travel to the West Coast. For a short while I felt like a jet-setter.
I met Martha Beck! Enjoyed a brief conversation with her even. And exactly six months later I bent a spoon while in her presence. And… I was exhausted. Exhausted from all the efforts I made to promote my practice with continued gusto and in the ways that other people said I should. Methods that worked for them but didn’t work for me.
This exhaustion diminished my eagerness and excitement. While I still had a desire to make a difference, the energy was difficult to summon.
I certainly had energy for other things in my life, but after the new year rolled in, I wanted to roll around in a thick and fuzzy cocoon. And not because it was cold. I like cold weather. Winter rocks.
I just wanted everyone to stop shouting about goals and intentions and words and themes of the year.
Eventually, while cocooning, I realized there’s another way to be. Actually, I knew it. I just finally started to listen.
Which isn’t easy because I still live in a can-do culture that encourages crazy maddening movement. Doing anything and everything to be successful all. the. time.
Plus I have my long-standing high-achieving self to deal with.
If the fast-moving rush to meet your goals is not your style, don’t beat yourself up. And here’s why:
- Just as there isn’t one “right” way to live, there isn’t one “right” way to spend your time, or structure your days, or achieve your goals.
- Trying to be someone who’s always-moving-forward-no-matter-what when you’re more like the I-want-to-feel-into-things-as-I-go type of person will create MORE exhaustion and will deplete MORE of your energy. You’ll hit a wall. So don’t do that.
- There’s no perfect pinnacle you’ll reach that will satisfy you unless your desire comes from within and is actually YOUR desire.
These points will require a shift in how you think about taking action. I’d like to point out that I’m all about taking action. I do that very well. It’s a superpower. Obviously I had to take action to write this. But what I didn’t do was work from an attitude of “crushing it.”
Crushing my need to allow my thoughts to marinate first. And who doesn’t love a good marinade.
Crushing my desire for ease and flow versus noticing my energy and what my heart wants to share.
Crushing my fear about putting my probably unusual thoughts out to the world… even though I’ve done it dozens of times.
When you’ve decided to go for the possibilities in your life, they will kick up a great amount of fear. Fear that you’ll fail. Fear that you’ll disappoint someone. Fear that someone will criticize you. Fear of vulnerability. And one that many people deal with – fear of visibility.
It’s because of these fears that self-care is essential.
I don’t necessarily mean getting a mani-pedi at every opportunity. Although they’re quite nice.
I mean in how you treat yourself. Do you make yourself wrong for feeling vulnerable?
Or how you approach each task. Do you push through, even when you’re frustrated or tired?
Or asking yourself why you’re doing what you’re doing. What is your deep why?
Also, where are you in the equation? The YOU with thoughts, feelings and desires, and the occasional need for a nap?
It’s important to sift through which goals are truly yours, and which goals are not. It’s important to know how you want to achieve them.
It’s also important to understand you’re enough now. I know how exhausting it is to constantly prove you’re enough (see: Corporate America, and an ex-boyfriend), and how expansive it feels to know you are enough no matter what.
And it’s from that place that you can move forward. From that place you can work in a more sustainable, pleasurable, and heart-centered way. It doesn’t have to be hard. You don’t have to lose sleep. You don’t have to give up spending time with family or friends, or regular housekeeping, or self-maintenance. You don’t have to crush any challenging feels.
Just be you.
Honor who you are.
Honor your style.
There’s no “right” way. You can achieve success in a way that works for you.
