Like so many people, I wanted to be the “perfect parent.” With that goal in mind, I jumped in whenever I perceived there to be a problem that my son wasn’t addressing. I thought I should try to “help” him fix the situation. Honestly, I’m not sure how either of us survived his childhood.
One area of contention was my son’s eating habits. I restricted sweets in the house since they were a big temptation for him, and served only healthy meals and snacks. My need to control his eating habits intensified to the point where I started hiding snacks that I was saving for school lunches.
Don’t you know that my son searched high and low for the hidden delights? Of course, he always found them. Not only did my insatiable need to control his snacking fail, it actually made things worse. My hiding food from him resulted in his feeling deprived and therefore, he wanted unhealthy foods even more.
A Surprising Epiphany
I learned this as a result of another attempt to “fix” his eating habits. I took him to a food clinic where he would learn about healthy eating from someone other than his mother. Counseling sessions were part of this program. I don’t think my son got much out of the program, but I certainly did.
I was horrified when I realized how much my “helping” was actually contributing to his eating behavior and negativity. I wasn’t really acting out of love for him: I was trying to control him. That illusion of control became my own compulsion.
Perhaps your kids are engaging in a behavior that you believe is unhealthy, or otherwise not in their best interest. Food is a common issue, but it can be anything. Is your child not doing as well in school as you would like? Is he not studying hard enough or not choosing the right classes in order to get into the university you think would be the best fit for him?
Or is your child spending too much time engaged in sports or other extra-curricular activities? Is he hanging out with kids you don’t know or don’t approve of?
See the Big Picture
It is natural for parents to want to clear the path for their kids. We think we are doing it for them and don’t realize that what we are doing is often counterproductive. In the moment we know that things don’t feel good, we are try to “fix” the issue, so that we aren’t seeing the big picture.
If you find yourself in this situation, ask yourself a few questions:
• Am I attempting to control my child’s habits? How is that working out for me and for my child?
• When I check in with my Internal Guidance System (IGS), how does the act of trying to control my child’s behavior feel?
• How does my child likely feel when I attempt to control him?
• If I give up my control might he be able to deal with the issue on his own?
• Have I taught my child about his IGS and worked with him so that he understands it and feels comfortable trusting it?
Parents can help their kids by talking to them about what is going on and coming up with an agreement about what the parent and child roles and responsibilities will be. When we talk with our kids about these behaviors, we give them the opportunity to take ownership of the behavior and the result. That’s very different from when we dictate to them how they should behave, or try to trick them into doing our bidding. All of us ending up feeling better, and we get better results in the end.
Survey Says…
In an article on PsychCentral.com, John M. Grohol, PSY D, relayed information about parental control and its consequences based on a survey of 5,000 teens:
“Support your teens, spend time with them; be less critical and controlling and more nurturing in their adolescent development. This, in turn, can help them make more informed, safe decisions…”
The survey was about teenage sexual activity, but the advice is true no matter what hurdle you’re trying to clear. Grohol is pointing to less control from parents and allowing kids to dial into their own IGS.
It is important to be gentle with yourself, and your child, as you go through this change. It may not be easy at first. It was extremely hard for me to give up control, even when intellectually, I knew that I never really had control, it was only a perception. I worried about what the consequences would be if I let my son be in charge of his own eating habits.
Reminding is okay, dictating is not. At first my son’s behavior didn’t change—except that he no longer had to search so hard for the snacks. So yes, he gained a few pounds in the beginning. I reminded my son on numerous occasions about the agreement we had made. I also encouraged him to tap into his Internal Guidance System before he ate to help him know the best choice for him.
Take Time to Allow
Over time, my son did learn to distinguish between eating out of real physical need and eating for emotional reasons. Not only did he develop healthy eating habits, he was empowered to trust in his IGS and to develop other habits that were in his best interest.
While you are going through the process of giving up control over your children’s habits, keep in mind that there are no “shoulds” in life. There is nothing that we, or our children, must do. There is nothing outside of each of us dictating who we will be. We are all here to freely create and express our own true selves. As parents, we have to learn to let go and allow our children to create and express theirs.
