Often the women I meet at my seminars and book signings are reluctant to admit that they fear being alone until I say something like “There is a lot of stigma in our society about single women.” This statement usually gives women permission to share and opens up a floodgate of comments. At a recent book signing, Karen reflected: “Marriage is not considered a necessity by many people today” and her friend Moira said: “There is more social acceptance for delaying marriage and remaining single.”
In fact, many of the stereotypes we have about single women are misleading. Perhaps we need new norms for understanding single women in our culture because in times past they were seen as lonely spinsters, quietly languishing in their studio apartments. But being single can actually allow you time to prepare for a bright future and healthy relationships. (Some women choose to stay single for a while after a divorce or a breakup because they need time to heal and want to set a good example for their children. Sydney reflects, “I guess this is one of the reasons I’m choosing to remain single for the near future. I need to be a whole, self-aware, self-secure woman in order to raise a young daughter who grows up to feel whole, self-aware and self-secure.)
Truth be told, being content with being single can be seen as a sign of emotional maturity. Being a mature, autonomous person before making a commitment to a partner is a worthwhile goal. For instance, Sydney is an articulate twenty-nine-year old single mom and teacher with a hectic schedule juggling work responsibilities and parenthood. At this time, Sydney is happily single and has made a decision to stay uncommitted amidst the pressure to be part of a couple. Here’s how she puts it: “I just haven’t met the right guy yet and won’t settle until I do.” She pauses and says, “I’m fine being alone and don’t need a partner to feel good about who I am.”
Some women choose to stay single for a while after a divorce or a breakup because they need time to heal and want to set a good example for their children. Sydney reflects, “I guess this is one of the reasons I’m choosing to remain single for the near future. I need to be a whole, self-aware, self-secure woman in order to raise a young daughter who grows up to feel whole, self-aware and self-secure.
Further, embracing some of the challenges of being single is essential to relationship satisfaction. The reality is that feeling content with being alone is a critical step toward preparing for a bright future – either with a partner or flying solo. In fact, people can easily feel lonely in relationships. But our sense of security and happiness needs to come from within ourselves.
There’s nothing wrong with seeking love, because it’s beautiful and can bring about some of the most treasured moments in our lives. But very few people know how to be alone and do it well. Some women are “Relationship junkies.” They aren’t happy to be alone. They fear it and seek love wherever they go.
For instance, if you have a pattern of staying in relationships too long that are no longer meeting your needs you may not realize is that fear of being alone is universal. It’s crucial to realize that fear is just a feeling and you may be giving it too much power. You may feel uncomfortable discussing your fears – even with close friends or family – because you don’t want to be seen as desperate or needy. What you may not realize is that fear of being single is a meaningful predictor of settling for less in relationships and staying with a partner who is wrong for you, according to Stephanie S. Spielman (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology).
Having the confidence to take time to understand yourself and choose the right partner is one of the biggest challenges singles face. A good marriage or partnership is a gift if two people are ready to be accountable to each other and to make a commitment. But some people make a life-long commitment out of obligation or because they fear being alone or worry too much about societal expectations.
8 Reasons to remain single:
1. You’re content being single and can’t think of enough good reasons to tie the knot. Being single allows you the space to pursue interests and achieve goals such as returning to school without concern about meeting others’ expectations.
2. In the past, you have tended to plunge headlong into intimate relationships that are wrong for you and stay too long. For once, you are taking the time to explore who you are as a person.
3. You worry that the clock is ticking. Often women over thirty start to panic because they get concerned they’ll be too old to have children. But this mind-set can make you feel desperate and propel you to marry someone who is wrong for you.
4. You value taking time to sort out what you want from a relationship. You desire spending time developing career goals, having quality time with your children and/or family. And at this time, these goals need to take priority.
5. You have trust issues that make you feel panicked when a partner doesn’t call or text you (or return your calls) when they say they would. This is a red flag and could signify that you may be feeling insecure and/or having fears of abandonment that need to be addressed before you can be part of a healthy partnership.
6. You don’t want to change who you are – your values, goals, or dreams – for a potential partner’s acceptance. In the past, you’ve morphed into someone else to accommodate their needs and subsequently lost vital parts of your identity.
7. You simply aren’t ready to make a commitment. You want to take your time to pick a partner who shares similar values and interests – this will enhance your chances of staying together.
8. You have a healthy respect for commitment and just haven’t met someone you want to make a permanent commitment with. Your instincts tell you (and you’ve read) delaying marriage until you’re in your late 20’s and dating a partner for at least two years will reduce your risk of divorce.
The process of self-discovery is a challenge but necessary to gain insight and develop healthier relationships in the future. Congratulate yourself for your decision to withstand the social pressures and expectations to be part of a couple or race down the altar. When you remind yourself about what you like about yourself and what you are good at, your need for other’s approval will fade away and you’ll feel more confident in your lifestyle choice.
Terry’s new book, Daughters of Divorce: Overcome The Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is now available. Follow Terry on Facebook and Twitter.
