Happily. Ever. After. These are the three most dangerous words for women in love. Even the smartest women fall into a love trance thinking that now that they have found their soulmate, the love of their life, he will naturally know how to make them happy, satisfied and content. Sure, they’ve heard that relationships take work, and yet they believe that their “soulmate love” will be effortless. They have found a love that is rare and precious, an unimaginable love. A love that will conquer everything. And then a year, or ten, or twenty later they find themselves restless, or worse, angry, frustrated, disappointed and ready to give up and head for divorce court. They perceive that their once shiny knight has turned into a rusty, stubborn barrier to happiness and fulfillment.
One of the most common questions I am asked is: “How do I know if he is my soulmate?” It’s a great question because there are so many myths and misconceptions about this one word. I believe a soul mate is someone we feel a deep and profound connection to. Someone with whom we can completely be ourselves with. Someone that we love unconditionally and they love us unconditionally. [Tweet “”A soulmate is someone who will often will be our greatest teacher, our greatest source of growth.” @ArielleFord #AspireMag”]. This means that there will be conflict.
So, you might be wondering… how do I KNOW if he is my soulmate? First and foremost you feel emotionally and physically safe with them. You love each other in spite of all the inherent quirkiness. When you are with your soulmate you feel that you are becoming a better person, a better version of “you.” And, while all relationships go through rocky periods, when you believe he is your soulmate, you are willing to work through issues. It’s important to understand that your soulmate not only knows how to push all your buttons, on an unconscious level it’s part of the reason you’ve chosen them as it provides a unique opportunity for growth. (If the majority of what you feel with your lover is hot, hot chemistry, but not much else, this isn’t a soulmate connection it’s lust, which only lasts for so long, at most two years.)
So what now? Men think and respond very differently from women. Research has shown that men’s brains are not only wired differently from women, they also process thoughts differently. The good news is that once you learn their language and process, they can be incredibly easy to live with. For instance, if you ask a man more than one question at a time, you confuse them. Relationship expert Alison Armstrong suggests that you ask one, clear question and then put a piece of imaginary masking tape over your mouth and give them as much time as they need to answer the first question. Repeat as needed. Your man isn’t happy unless you are happy.
Men are by nature are very competitive and they love to win, especially with their beloved. If you are unhappy, they are losing, not winning. There are several parts to this but quite simply, by becoming responsible for your own happiness and simultaneously learn how to ask for what you need in a way that he will not only “hear” you but will be excited to respond to your request. Letting him know how much you appreciate all he does for you rather than focusing on what he hasn’t done (or hasn’t done to your liking) is one way to accomplish this. Perhaps the biggest secret and misunderstanding about men is this: They crave respect more than sex. Show him respect, along with love and appreciation and you will have a very compliant and happy camper (and better sex!).
Bottom line, he wants and needs to know that he is your “hero.” When we understand the true nature of a soulmate relationship, then we can re-invent and reinvigorate and re-discover the person we first fell in love with. World-renowned marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman has found that on average, every couple has nine irreconcilable differences…things on which you will never agree on. To succeed in love, we must learn to respect each other’s differences.
Why should I even try to turn my mate into my soulmate? Before you give up on your existing soulmate, take a look at the sad but true facts about marriage today: 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second marriages and 74% of third marriages all end in divorce. Modern day society has conditioned us to look for and seek perfection, which leads to an ongoing state of frustration and dissatisfaction. In truth, we all know that perfection is not possible. Investing love, time and energy into your current mate may truly get you the relationship you most desire. Learn more in my book, Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate where I share 16 steps to guide you back into passion, connection and a lifetime of soulmate love.
From TURN YOUR MATE INTO YOUR SOULMATE by Arielle Ford. Copyright © 2015 by Arielle Ford. Used with permission of HarperOne, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
