Forgiveness: The Key to Healing and Happiness

“There is a hard law… When an injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive.” ~ Alan Paton

Forgiveness is a very tender subject. It evokes lots of memories, emotions and desires in most of us. Everyone has dealt with hurt in life, and most of us have something for which we should ask forgiveness. The reason forgiveness is so essential is that its absence creates friction, tension and despair within and around us. The resentment and anguish associated with holding grudges robs us of living a fulfilled and happy life.

Our refusal to forgive hurts us, not our offender. Our refusal to forgive is an added injury we do to ourselves after our initial wounding. Making decisions is the essence of personal responsibility; it can feel like freedom or weigh you down with guilt, sadness, or anger. One of the toughest decisions we can ever make is the decision to forgive. It ultimately is a choice.

Why Forgiveness Is So Hard

So why is it so hard to do? I know when I was struggling to forgive the man who murdered my grandmother I used to get annoyed with people telling me to ‘just let it go’. I really wanted to be past the pain and the hurt it was causing me but I was confused and stuck by the ‘How’ & my misunderstanding of what it really meant.

Forgiveness can be a problem for many people simply because they are not clear about what forgiveness really is. Forgiveness is NOT condoning the wrong behavior. It is NOT forgetting about what happened. Forgiveness is NOT denial, pretending it didn’t happen. It is NOT about avoiding or suppressing your emotions.

To truly forgive we must also be aware of an important distinction: Forgiveness is not reconciliation with the person who hurt you. All too often forgiveness gets confused with reconciliation. I had no desire to reconcile with my grandmother’s murderer, as he is not part of my life. Forgiveness does not mean healthy boundaries cannot be established; in fact it is imperative in building trust again.

When we hold grudges it sometimes feels natural when we are hurting, as it gives us a sense of being in control. Our sense of fairness tells us that people should pay for their wrongs. That is why sometimes seeking revenge on another feels good. However, instead our pain and anger hold us hostage, imprisoning us and clouding our joy.

Forgiveness is a Skill

The real situation is that we talk about forgiveness, but there is little practice of it. Forgiveness has become a lost art, a philosophical abstraction and sometimes a ‘spiritual bypass’ to avoid doing the work.

Beyond telling you that you should forgive, did anyone ever teach you how to forgive? As human beings it is unnatural for us to do. In fact it is a skill we are all capable of learning. It begins with the realization that forgiveness is a series of steps that you take to restore your own peace of mind. With forgiveness processing, the first question that you have to ask is “Am I willing to endure the discomfort connected with getting better?” Choice is a gift and feeling our emotions, not matter how uncomfortable they may be, is key to our emotional healing.

Listen to your Body

The important thing here is to listen to your body. This is where the emotions “hide out” and why we might not like to feel them. Not learning to deal with our emotions in healthy ways hinders us. This slows the healing process needed before we can actually walk down the path of forgiveness. Authentic, true forgiveness is the result of a genuine healing process, a real working through of our memories and feelings around certain events and relationships.

Did you know that true forgiveness is something that only your body can do? Anger and resentments are held in the body as well as the mind. Your mind can decide to let go and forgive long before your body is ready. Therefore, true forgiveness requires both an emotional and physical release to be complete. That release leads to more love and joy in your life. As long as those emotions, such as anger, are brewing secretly in the subconscious, genuine forgiveness remains impossible. Embracing and releasing your emotions empowers your soul.

Forgiveness is the Foundation of Self worth

Forgiveness is such an important thing to promote in your life. It is one of the core issues related to depression and a foundation for building self-worth. It allows you to blossom as a person and move forward toward enjoying all that life has to offer you. You are not meant to be sitting around mourning all your past hurts, no matter how tragic they might have been. Some people never forgive and never forget. They remain victims’ forever- not just victims of the insult that happened but also to an identification with their wounds, which impact future relationships and sense of identity. By letting go and forgiving, you reclaim your power.

Obviously, the road to healing and wholeness cannot be the same for everyone. Every person moves at his or her own pace, and there are different paths to the same destination. Some people find strength to forgive within themselves, others through the help of those around them. Some are able to forgive only when they recognize their own inadequacy and turn to a Higher Power. Still others are never really able to forgive at all, but every journey of forgiveness is one of hope.

Being able to forgive is a deeply personal matter. Ultimately each of us must find healing within, on our own terms and in our own time. The only thing you can change about the past is how much you let it affect you.