It was the week after Thanksgiving and I found myself stressed, sad, and sleep-deprived. Too much work and taking care of everyone else and too little self-care.
So I went where I tend to go when I get stressed: within. I retreated, withdrew, tried to pretend that everything was fine. It wasn’t; and I got walking pneumonia for my troubles. I didn’t communicate with my man about my distress like I should have. I didn’t let him know how upset I was that despite the fact that I had walking pneumonia, I was still the one responsible for the grocery shopping and meal preparation. That despite the fact that I knew in my heart I needed to ask him for help and support as I was the one who was ill, I remained silent. Most importantly, I forgot to take care of me – and it was affecting my happiness.
A week and a half later, my pneumonia wasn’t showing signs of improvement and I was still experiencing chest pains. So I went to one of my girlfriends for some sympathy. I got all that and more. “Why do you have walking pneumonia?” she asked.
“Because I haven’t been speaking my truth with my man,” I replied.
“Well at least you know it,” she snarked. “Now what are you going to do about it?”
That’s when it hit me. I got myself in this position because of my own choices. I chose to make dinner every night instead of asking for help. I chose to take care of my man instead of taking care of myself. I chose to put self-care at the very end of my lengthy to-do list. I had no one to blame for my illness but myself. I decided that some things had to change – for my health, for my sanity, for my life.
I went to the library and checked out Cheryl Richardson’s The Art of Extreme Self-Care because I knew it was time for something radical.
What she said in the first chapter blew me away.
“I’ve come to learn that over-giving is often a sign of deprivation—a signal that a need isn’t being met, an emotion isn’t being expressed, or a void isn’t getting filled. For example, while you might dedicate hours to coordinating the family’s social calendar, you may actually be yearning for deeper and more meaningful connections, stimulating conversation, or greater intimacy with yourself. You might also be available and generous with others because on some level you have an unconscious desire to get what you give, whether it’s acknowledgment, affection, recognition, or support. Becoming aware of how and why you feel deprived can be a key to recognizing what needs to shift emotionally and physically to achieve Extreme Self-Care.” – Cheryl Richardson
She then goes on to say:
“Rather than feel like a victim to something outside of yourself, when you realize that you alone are responsible for over-giving, you can actually empower yourself to do something about it. After all, no one else says yes, overbooks your schedule, or makes the needs of others a priority but you. The gift in owning this reality is that you own the power to change it, too.” – Cheryl Richardson
Wow. The choice to stop over-giving, to take care of ourselves, to be happy really IS all up to us.
I also decided to take my own advice and go back to the 50% rule. What’s the 50% rule? I’ve heard it described a few different ways, but the idea is this:
1) Each morning, start off your day by checking your energy tank. Simply ask yourself: “Where is my energy level today?” Sometimes I add a second question: “Where am I emotionally right now?” as I’ve noticed a difference between my emotional and physical energy levels.
2) Ask yourself, “What do I need today to raise my energy level?” Again – sometimes I ask this twice – once for physical energy levels and once for emotional.
3) Do whatever your heart tells you to do to raise your energy level(s) or make a plan to do it later that day.
4) If either level is below 50%, stop. Don’t do anything else that day until you’ve done something to get your energy level back above 50%.
5) If your tank is running low, keep periodically re-checking throughout the day to see where you’re at and what you need.
6) Then go do it!
So what’s the plan? How do you get yourself consistently back above 50%?
1) Consult your checklist – fellow Aspire columnist Stacey Martino once suggested that you start by making a list of all the things you love to do that boost your mood and energy level. That way when you fall below 50% – and may be in no mood to figure out what you need to do to get back above it – you can just look at your list and have at it.
2) Check in with your body – in its infinite wisdom, it always knows what it needs
3) Check in frequently with your energy tank – I’m doing that exercise several times a day. I drew a heart on my hand in purple ink so whenever I see it that will serve as a reminder to check in.
4) Get some sleep – I rarely meet women that get enough sleep, especially when they’re below 50%. In fact, lack of sleep is often a contributor to that below 50% state.
5) Go back to the basics with your self-care – consult your absolute yes and absolute no lists, read tips for self-care, and most of all tune in to yourself and take care of you – whatever it takes. You’re worth it!
Will you make the choice to be happy? What will you do today to make it happen?
