5 Ways to Cultivate Self-Compassion

Compassion is a virtue that as women, we often give away freely to others but rarely direct towards ourselves. When a loved one is suffering we offer them compassion and understanding without hesitation but when we are suffering ourselves we can fall into one of these two traps:

Trap A) Seeking compassion from someone else (and then potentially feeling disappointed if we don’t receive it).

Or

Trap B) Internalizing our struggle, putting on a brave face and making out that we’re ok until the difficult feelings have passed.

Sound familiar? 

The problem with these two methods of dealing with suffering is that they are both about other people. Trap A relies on the support of another person to make us feel better and Trap B occurs when we feel the need to hide our true feelings in order to please others.

Even though it is definitely useful to seek support and find solace by talking things through with someone that your trust, this approach can become unhelpful if you’re feeling excessively needy or if your request is loaded with expectations that someone else “should” be available to help you in the way that you desire.

In the short term these traps may offer you some relief but in the long term you may be setting yourself up for some unhelpful patterns of behavior. Not to mention what you might do in the event that you “needed” support from someone who was not available to help you. What then?

Self-compassion is the answer. If you can become self sufficient for your own compassion needs then internalizing your feelings can be a thing of the past. Instead you can feel fully nourished and supported without the need for anything external.

Here’s 5 tips to help you cultivate self-compassion.

1. Feel your feelings

If you’re experiencing anxiety, sadness, frustration, despair or hopelessness, then it is probably for a reason. You can try all you like to push these feelings away but it’s likely that they’ll continue to raise their head at every opportunity until you actually acknowledge and accept them. Start by labeling the feeling and announcing it to yourself, “I notice that anxiety is present”. Take a deep breathe around the feeling (without trying to eliminate it) and say to yourself “I don’t have to like it, or approve of it, I simply need to accept it”. Continue to breathe deeply and carry on with your day as best you can while allowing the feeling to exist.

2. Use compassionate self-talk

When someone that we care deeply about is hurting, often that the right words come to us easily and effortlessly so that we can soothe their soul and ensure that they feel loved and understood. Think about someone that you care for deeply and imagine that they are struggling with the feelings and circumstances that you’ve been faced with, then allow the words to flow. What would you say to that person? What advice or support would you offer them? Express everything that you would offer to another person and then allow yourself to receive that advice as if it had come from someone else.

3. Use a compassionate affirmation

There are many suitable affirmations that you can choose from, so be sure to select one that feels authentic and meaningful for you. My favorite self-compassionate affirmation is “I deeply and completely love and accept myself”. It is profound how life changing this affirmation can be. You can also try “Everything I need is inside of me”, or “I am divinely loved and cared for”.

4. Send love to your pain

This is not the same as sending approval to your pain. This is about tapping into that source of love and compassion you have within your heart and allowing it to overflow out to wherever you experience pain or discomfort within your body. Visualize the “love” flowing from your heart as a limitless healing, golden light that softly embraces your painful feelings and surrounds them with warmth and compassion.

5. Place your hand on your heart

This simple action connects you instantly with your compassionate side. Holding your hand to your heart opens up your love center and invites your compassionate energy to come out and flow around your body. Take a few breaths into your heart and allow your love to expand and grow.

When you catch yourself slipping into the trap of wishing someone else would support you or hiding your true feelings in order to please others, try out these techniques and access your natural ability to heal and nurture yourself.