Back a few decades ago, I would loudly and proudly proclaim that: I. Am. Not. A. Scared. Person. Afterall, I could take trips on airplanes; maneuver the L. A. freeways; talk to strangers; go out on dates; I could even dye my hair purple (not that I did, but I could have!).
I considered fearlessness one of my best qualities, one that no one could’ve convinced me was other than a talent. Not that they would even try.
Those proclamations occurred long before I began doing some serious inner delving. It didn’t take long to grasp the extent of unrecognized, disguised fears I had somehow not bothered to notice. They had been meeting in secret, behind closed doors, never to be seen no less admitted.
My slumber of denial was startled awake when I realized that it was subtle fears that were the big, sneaky ones. They were a well camouflaged army in full, covert command of my life.
Things like fear of change; fear of commitment; fear of expressing the real me; fear of loss of control; fear of change; fear of loss; fear of being insignificant or living a meaningless life. And, its dichotomy, fear of living my true purpose.
Those fears were settled cozily in the back corners of my subconscious mind. They were doing a great job of ‘keeping me safe,’ in line, separate, powerless and numb. They had perfected signals that only I could hear and follow. They would command that I reach into my well-practiced file folder of excuses to not have to go on that second date; turn down job opportunities that could lead to success; ‘forget’ a commitment; squelch something I knew I needed to communicate. And so much more.
But once I woke up, saw those culprits for what they were – just fears — I understood what they were doing. I could hear what they were dictating. I could sense when they were pulling me away from situations that could have been life-changing in good ways. And guess what? Like a liar being revealed, they started to lose a lot of their vigor.
Exposing Fears
I discovered another tactic to bust fear’s despotic swagger: They hate being exposed.
Although it was terrifying, I started freely talking about them with some of my long-time friends. The more I didn’t hold back, expressing myself even though embarrassed, the more I saw how ridiculous they were.
Listening to myself speak, I realized that these fears were nothing new; they were a puzzle-piece in the ongoing jigsaw of my life. They were the culprits that had been stopping me forever in subtle or blatant ways.
Each time I risked sharing my fears, I would see beyond the surface and determine what they were really about. Their camo would fall off, exposing their naked, weak, vulnerable, helpless selves. It was laughable to see their swollen-with-pride glory deflate before my eyes.
Fear Dualities
No matter how many times I would force myself to do that, it was always shocking: The fears I would excavate were always the exact opposite of what I had assumed they were about.
A perfect example is when I was approached to go into business with someone. I had never owned or run this type of company, so it was terrifying. What if I couldn’t do my part? What if it failed and I lost my investment? What if I didn’t have time between teaching to devote to this venture? What if people laughed at me for embarking on such a risky (read: silly) undertaking? What if my partner flaked and I was left holding the bag?
All those fears were reasonable and sounded like logical concerns that any businessperson could agree with. But I also knew in my heart that this project was what I was supposed to be doing. There was a Bigger Purpose behind it that I sensed would unfold in time.
So instead of wallowing, believing or giving energy to that slew of insistent fears, I took my own advice: Without censure, I took a deep breath and chose to share them with my potential business partner.
Just so happens that this business partner was one of my students. Someone I had trained to just be present for others when they need to express their fears and buttons. Obediently, she listened without trying to use logic to change my mind. She didn’t attempt to convince me we would be successful. She made no effort to rescue me or assure me that everything would be alright. She didn’t promise to draw up a legally binding contract to make me feel secure in this venture.
Rather, she just listened with compassion, acceptance and pure, loving, intent.
As I spoke, I heard myself regurgitating familiar fears that had frequently paralyzed me. Listening harder, a surprising thought came to me: You are a failure. You will always be a failure. Don’t risk it!
Of course, anyone looking at the accomplishments I made in my life would immediately know that’s a false, programmed belief. By mindfully acknowledging my fears, I was given the gift of discovering those hidden notions about myself. Beliefs that I had been unconsciously living my life from 24-7.
That surprising negative thought took me down a long, winding path of looking within. When I reached the final curve, I saw the origin of what was actually going on: My real fear was fear of success.
Bullseye!
It was a tough truth to admit, but I knew it was accurate. My subliminal culprit has always been fear of success covered over by the more “socially acceptable,” easily identifiable and unarguable fear of failure.
Once I allowed myself to know and feel the depth of that fear, everything shifted in my life. I didn’t have to play the fear of failure game with myself or anyone anymore. More importantly, by being aware of the false notion that had been running my life, it was busted. It lost its power. It couldn’t control me anymore.
Although it took its sweet time to realize, it was simple and simply amazing, like letting the air out of a helium-filled balloon. The more I discovered and admitted my real fears, fears that were not at all what I thought they were, the weaker that deflating balloon became. It was no longer bouncing up and down, yanking me along, telling me where to go, what to do, how to respond and how to live.
Eventually, it became a powerless blob of brightly colored rubber with a limp string.
Here’s the step-by-step method to take the power out of your restricting, self-limiting fears and false beliefs:
- Notice when your button is pushed, also known as being triggered. Common symptoms are feeling reactive, angry, judgmental, defensive, wanting to run away, needing to please, feeling stuck, confused and even hopeless. All negative emotions are showing that a button was pushed.
- Find someone you feel safe openly share. Choose someone who will just listen compassionately, without judgment, the need to figure you out or try to rescue you. Ask that of them if they are not used to interacting in that way.
- Share what you are feeling with the intention to locate the fear that was triggered. When a button is pushed there is always fear being triggered. The first layer of fear usually sounds logical and appropriate. But it’s hiding deeper ones so keep going!
- Recognize the next layer of fear that’s underneath. Go deeper and ask yourself what that first layer is covering up. Trust what comes to you.
- Then, acknowledge the false belief that’s under that fear. It is typically more subtle and has a generalizing “all-or-nothing” sound to it.
- Go even deeper and discover what’s underneath that belief. Usually it’s the exact opposite, the dichotomy of what you think it is. As per my example, fear of failure was covering up fear of success.
- Relief! Once you realize the Real Fear, you should feel a sense of profound release, or even a “duh” moment at how ridiculous it sounds.
- Find the source. To fully neutralize a fear cycle, do some deep inner work to discover the origin of where it began.
