It’s normal to feel disillusioned about marriage if you’ve endured a divorce and gone through emotional pain and perhaps some financial loss. Then there’s the statistic that you recently heard – the one about second marriages having a 65% divorce rate compared to 50% for first time marriages.
But in spite of these facts, you might decide that you’re up for the challenge that comes with a second marriage. However, bouncing back from a marriage that didn’t work and believing in love again isn’t an easy process. Throughout your journey from an unhappy marriage to a painful divorce, it’s key to pause and examine what went wrong in your first marriage – and create a vision for a successful second one.
Taking your time to decide the kind of marriage that would work for you can be a silver lining to divorce because you’ll be more likely to go into your second marriage with your eyes wide open. And the fact of the matter is that you can create more trusting relationships if you give yourself permission to be vulnerable and take risks.
In the end, I came to the conclusion that my first marriage didn’t fail – it simply ended due to incompatibility and our difficulties resolving ongoing conflicts that were becoming increasingly damaging to our children. Truth be told, a major theme in my first marriage was my dissatisfaction with my ex’s unwillingness to change to meet my expectations. Whereas, the second time around, I’m not looking to change my partner and feel much more content as a result.
Since my divorce, I’ve come to terms with the reality that as much as I crave the security of marriage, I had to alter my expectations and be clearer about what I need and want. In sum, I believe a good marriage takes effort but it’s the kind of work worth pursuing. But first you must believe that you have it within your ability to make healthier choices and adopt realistic expectations.
8 Reasons Second Marriages Are Better:
1. You have a clearer vision about what you want from a relationship. Divorce has taught you what relationship dynamic promotes your best self. A second marriage is an opportunity to approach commitment with your eyes wide open.
2. You are making a decision based on strength and choice rather than fear of being alone. For instance, you may have felt a nagging doubt about tying the knot with your ex-spouse, but proceeded anyway due to feelings of obligation or fear of being alone.
3. You have a more realistic and positive view of intimate relationships. You’ve taken the time examine your beliefs and expectations about relationships and worked through issues that might prevent you from creating the life-long partnership that you deserve. Whereas you once viewed your first marriage as a failure, your new perspective is that relationships are teachers.
4. You are smarter about love. Since you’ve learned from the past, you’re less likely to repeat it. And you’ve learned to separate the past from the present and have begun to live in the present. Therapy and/or keeping a journal can help you achieve these objectives.
5. You can allow yourself to be vulnerable with your partner. Healthy relationships don’t come without risk – so you freely extend to trust to your partner by expressing your thoughts, feelings, and wishes. Since you no longer have to walk on eggshells, you feel more relaxed on a day to day basis. However, if you’re in a stuck place, you reach out and accept help from a therapist, family, and supportive friends who are there to help to guide you.
6. You don’t automatically blame your ex-spouse for problems in your relationship because you’ve taken ownership for your part in the breakup. You’re not operating out of guilt but you don’t place all of the blame for the demise of your marriage on your ex-spouse.
7. You practice forgiveness. As a result, you apologize to your partner when appropriate. This validates their feelings and promotes forgiveness and allows you both to move on. You’ve learned that love is not enough. Saying you’re sorry can heal a wound, even when you didn’t hurt your partner’s feelings intentionally. Resentment builds over time if couples aren’t able to talk about hurt feelings that arise from unresolved grievances.
8. You’ve gained self-confidence and your desire for a life partner comes from a place of strength rather than neediness. You’ve discovered that marriage will never be a sole source of happiness so you pursue your dreams to the best of your ability.
A central finding of my research is that divorce doesn’t have to define who you are as a person or the choices you make. You can let go of toxic relationships that breed mistrust and betrayal and build a relationship based on love, trust, and intimacy. Visualizing the type of relationship you want, becoming more self-aware, and examining and challenging your beliefs and expectations are key to rebuilding trust in your partner the second time around.
The key ingredients to a successful second marriage are selecting a partner who is a good match for you and both partners willingness to work through the inevitable hard times of a marriage. With courage and persistence, you can defy the statistics that say that your romantic relationships are doomed to fail and learn to trust yourself and others again.
Your divorce experience can make you stronger, more realistic, and better prepared for the requirements of love. You have it within your reach to create satisfying relationships and to achieve personal happiness. Keep in mind it’s never too late to restore your faith in love.
Terry’s new book, Daughters of Divorce: Overcome The Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is now available. Follow Terry on Facebook and Twitter.
