I was 24 years old when I fell deeply and intensely in love. I thought I would spend my entire life with this person. I trusted my choice in heart, body and soul. I was 29 when we married and I felt the joining of the two of us in my roots. While that deep, undeniable intense love brought magic and passion into my life, when we got divorced, I was left shattered.
Ending our marriage was unbelievably devastating, confusing, and shocking. I didn’t understand how I could have made such a wrong choice. After years of healing and forgiving, I moved on and transformed. I buried the dead and learned that my first marriage had been a lesson of self-worth.
Recently, I opened my heart and began dating again…
Dating after divorce is a journey of trust. Every time I’ve tried to date or have a relationship I was a mess in the beginning stages. I was filled with anxiety, helplessness and powerlessness. I met this guy years ago; let’s call him David. When I met David I was living in Ibiza, Spain. We were in romance bliss, but that didn’t last.
Since David was a marine-biologist and loved the freedom of the seas, he traveled and was away most days the summer we were together. I went out of my way to see him when it was convenient for him. I became anxious and crazy and my lovely, relaxed energy started to become one of desperation and needing to get his attention. David started pulling away more and more. Eventually, I stopped reaching out because it felt imbalanced, ignored, rejected and incomplete.
I dated many, many guys after David and I observed the times when I was overly available, feeling anxious, clingy and needy for their attention – I was giving away my power. The problem was I hadn’t worked on myself. I had a very needy mindset and I derived way too much of my self-worth from how men responded to me.
As empowered women, we all have all the resources we need to survive available to us within ourselves. This is our deep, inner power.
It’s time to stop searching for love and validation in the outside world. Here are 7 empowering ways to just that.
- Be Emotionally Whole
Being emotionally independent means that you take responsibility for your own happiness. It means being realistic about who’s in control of your happiness. As in keeping clear of your individual identity so you do not “lose yourself” in the other person.
The other person is not responsible for making you happy. YOU are, and when you follow and stay in control of your own happiness, then your life is empowered.
- Stand Your Ground
Don’t let a guy disrespect your needs. You do not have to put up with any bad behavior. If he treats you in any way that’s not okay with you, let him know. Don’t spiral and over-analyze what you did wrong to be disrespected.
If a guy flakes or cancels on a date and gives you an insincere excuse, do you let him know it’s okay and clear your schedule to meet up another time?
If a guy knows he can get away with anything he wants and you’ll still be waiting around for him, he’s not going to value you and instead he’ll take advantage of you
- Believe In Yourself and That You Are A Prize Worth Winning
Men value things they have to earn. Be confident and see yourself as the prize that your man has to work hard for to win. Being the prize is all about inner confidence and knowing that you are worthy of being loved, adored, and worshipped.
If you feel unworthy or unsure that he will step up to the plate to pursue you and are constantly trying to impress a guy and win him over, he’s going to intuitively sense that you don’t value yourself. Men are just as intuitive as women!
When you treat him like the prize and work hard to win him over, you are valuing him much more than you are valuing yourself. If he feels like you did all the work to get him into a relationship, he’s going to feel trapped because it wasn’t his choice.
A man falls in love to a woman when it’s his choice to chase after her. He has to feel like he won the prize.
- Make Self-Love and Self-Care Your Foundation For Love
Take the time to nurture yourself throughout the day was and actually listen to your own needs and body.
A lot of women get caught up in the fantasy of having a boyfriend. They might not care that much about the guy they’re with, so long as they are with somebody and don’t have to be alone. Be comfortable with being alone and honor yourself with daily, weekly and monthly rituals. It’s very nourishing to make nurturing rituals for yourself.
Acknowledge and appreciate yourself. When you recognize your best qualities and show your sincere appreciation for the gorgeous Goddess you are, you will raise your self-confidence and fall in love with you.
- Return to Old-Fashioned Values
If you were raised with old-fashioned values then dating apps and casual sex may feel uncomfortable to you. On the other hand, you may feel completely empowered dating multiple men. Whatever the case, own your sexual power.
Don’t just give it away to anyone who gives attention and buys you a drink. Your sexuality is a gift and a treasure. When you save yourself after getting to know another person and connect with them emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physical in an organic way you build intimacy, trust, friendship and connection. These are high-vibrational qualities. Values like these can hold a relationship together without the need for control, drama, manipulation and mind-games.
- Practice Self-Empowerment, Confidence and Courage
A life of empowerment or enlightenment requires us to show up in class, do our inner work of slaying our emotional fears.
What are our fearful reactions? Fear of rejection. Jealousy. Fear of loss. Fear of abandonment. Anxiety. How do we transform them into loving responses? Through self-worth.
Connect to your self-worth in such a way that you love yourself first before you love another person, and the love that you do give to another is the overflow of love you have for yourself. In other words, make yourself first.
- Practice Personal Balance
Balance in relationships is where you are not pushed around by the emotional imbalance of others. Your connection to your true-self / spiritual-self keeps you in tune how you respond to your happiness.
When we become imbalanced, eg. Expect the other to fill our needs, heal our wounds, resolve past mistakes and failures, be responsible for your moods, etc. This is disempowerment in action and we are in a place of imbalance. We are placing the other person first. This action comes from fear of losing or rejection. Connecting to self-worth insures that everyone that you become involved with reflects to you the same self-worth you feel for yourself.
It took a long time to realize I needed to stop prioritizing guys above myself. When you are a woman who values herself and is confident in who she is, you don’t need to play mind games and you will naturally activate a man’s instinctive desire to pursue. Men don’t fall in love the same way women do. They connect with you when you are connected to yourself, your worth, your value. This is your greatest source of strength and power.
