I’ve yet to meet a woman whose life goal was to become a stepmom. I mean, with how the media depicts stepmoms in movies, shows and books, it’s no wonder women who do find themselves becoming stepmoms, ask themselves “What have I gotten myself into?”
As a stepmom, you might be dealing with a high conflict ex, stepkids who couldn’t care less if you were around or not, or a partner who parents his kids out of guilt. Your family and friends keep telling you “you knew what you were getting into when you met this person.” At times, you feel as if you’ve lost all sense of who you are. Is it possible to be happy and a stepmom all in one breath?
Yes, it’s possible. Maybe not in a millisecond but yes, you can be a happy stepmom. It’s all a matter of prioritizing what you need and want in order to be happy. Successful and happy stepmoms practice several habits that can transform an often ambiguous and challenging role into one where they feel rewarding and fulfilling. Although these habits may seem simple, don’t be fooled. You’ll be amazed by the impact these habits will have on you as a stepmom and a woman as well as on those in your life.
- Practice Patience. A happy stepmom understands the value of practicing patience. When you practice patience, you give yourself the time to think more clearly about what’s going on with your stepfamily. You allow time to calm down from a frustrating situation and allow others the opportunity to deal with their issues. When you give time and space for your stepkids to trust you as someone who will be there for them, to be a supporting partner, you feel more in control of your life and are willing to let others deal with the issues that belong to them
- Know/Understand Your Role. Being a stepmom is one of the most ambiguous roles there is when it comes to parenting. Society expects you to act like a mother and at the same time not get involved. Conflict may arise if your partner’s ex doesn’t want you to be involved in her kids’ life. Studies repeatedly show that the women who know and understand what their role is in stepfamilies are the happiest. You may have to try on a variety of roles to see which one fits best within your situation. Maybe your role is one of support, or of mentoring. Whatever that role is, embrace it as one that fills the need of everyone, including you
- Have a Game Plan. A happy stepmom has a vision for her family, her partnership and herself. If you have no vision, how do you know where you’re going? How do you measure you’re progress? How do you determine you’re on the right path? With no plan, it’s like driving a car with a blindfold on while your kids are in the back seat. Would you dare do that with your children? A plan gives you direction and incentives. A plan helps you to anticipate problems and cope with changes. Have a plan.
- Be Happy With You. One of the greatest gift you can give your stepfamily and your partner is to take care of yourself. Love starts from within and then flows out, not the other way around. When you take care of yourself, you’re healthier both mentally and physically. You are more resistant to stress and deal with change with a more positive outlook. Think of the oxygen mask instructions when you take the airplane. “You must first put the mask on you, THEN help younger ones.” If you’re depleted, how do you expect to be of use to anyone else?
- Be a Positive Role Model. One of the most rewarding roles a stepmom can have is to be a positive role model for her stepkids. Being a positive role model motivates us to strive to be our best, knowing that our actions speak louder than words. It also instills a sense of confidence in our skills as a leader and our abilities to overcome adversity. We constantly look for people to emulate. Don’t you think your stepkids deserve to have someone to look up to? Wouldn’t it be great if that person is you? Children will imitate those with whom they feel a close tie. Make it you.
Happiness requires that you put into practice the skills that nourishes you and fills you up. Practicing these five steps means that you make them a priority in your life and for your relationships. To get even more out of these skills, print them out and place it where you’ll see them on a daily basis. For extra benefits, write down a few things you can do for each of these steps and commit to them daily. Journal your progress and notice the changes in yourself and in your family. You’ll be on your way to having a more satisfying and fulfilled life and stepmom relationships.
