Anxiety. Fear. Grief. If you’re anything like me, you may simply want to weed whack the crap out of these strong emotions and just be done with them. In reality, tending to them lovingly, with gentle pruning and better habits, is a far more productive and sustainable path, helping you rewire your brain, set yourself free from your unconscious (or semiconscious) addiction to fear and worry, and enjoy a bigger, fuller life.
According to psychiatrist Kristy Lamb, if we don’t allow emotions like anger or grief to be felt, it’s easy for them to morph into anxiety, fear, and even depression. The energy needs to go somewhere. It needs to be discharged somehow. (And if you’ve ever had a full-blown meltdown over something ridiculous, like a ketchup stain on your favorite sweatshirt, you know what I’m talking about.)
Here are some healthy ways to channel it.
Breathe: Just the way you have a stress response (sympathetic nervous system), you also have a relaxation response (parasympathetic nervous system). When your breathing becomes rapid, shallow, or restricted, your stress response kicks in and your anxiety increases. One of the fastest ways to activate your relaxation response is through breathwork. Conscious breathing is like having a built-in stress-release valve. The easiest way to pull this valve is to make your exhalations longer than your inhalations.
Let’s try it now. Inhale for four counts. Exhale for six to eight counts. Repeat this three times (or as much as needed). Our breath is central to every aspect of our well-being, yet we often overlook its power. In times of fear, grief, pain, trauma, depression, and so on, let your breath serve as the lifeline it’s designed to be.
Identify what you’re feeling: name it. Are your heart palpitations an indicator of fear? (They come on in a flash and have a beginning, middle, and end.) Or is it more like anxiety, worry, or rumination about something that may or may not happen? This next suggestion might sound silly, but it always helps me. Once you’ve identified the emotion, connect with it. “Hey, anxiety . . . Hey, sadness . . .you’re OK.” Greeting and soothing our emotions reminds us that our feelings are friends, not enemies.
Validate what you’re feeling: Remember, feelings aren’t good or bad; they’re information. They help us know how to respond in different situations. Your feelings have a right to take up space. There’s nothing wrong with them or with you. They deserve to be seen without having to be fixed, justified, or controlled. They’re OK, and so are you.
Soothe your inner critic: Sometimes it’s hard to self soothe when our inner critics shit all over our brains like demon-possessed parrots. You want to feel better, but your negative thoughts make it impossible. Inner critics are destructive for a reason: they’re trying to protect us. For example, my inner critic says BS like this: If you don’t look or act a certain way, you won’t be loved. You’ll be left. I don’t want you to experience that, so I’m going to shut you down or shame you back in line to avoid rejection. What a sweetie pie, right?
As much as we want to avoid them, inner critics need our love, because they’re in a lot of pain. A question for you to ponder as you soothe your critic: What if the opposite of what you’re feeling about yourself were true? Think about it for a second. It’s certainly possible, isn’t it? Just as bad stuff can happen, so too can good stuff. Here’s another question that can help your brain get on a better track: What would your best friend say about this? I doubt she’d be as douchey as you (and I) can be to ourselves— because she’s your best frickin’ friend. And my personal favorite: What does love see? Love doesn’t think you’re worthless, incapable, unintelligent, weak, and all the other awful things you may believe when you’re out of sorts. Love sees you for who you truly are, a valuable and wonderful person. When self-attacking thoughts take hold, lean on love.
My go-to way of working through these questions is by journaling. There’s just something about writing this stuff out that gives me perspective. The goal here is to give your inner critic kinder thoughts to ponder so you can take care of your feelings.
Investigate the facts: Remember, both fear and anxiety are very imaginative. The stories they tell can be over-the-top. Be a detective and look for the evidence. For example, if Neighbor Nan didn’t invite you to her party, could there be a valid reason that has nothing to do with her suddenly hating you? More often than not, you won’t find any shred of evidence to back up your anxiety- and fear-driven stories. And if you do find that there was some truth, it’s probably nowhere close to as dire as what your imagination would have you believe.
Here’s an example of how this has played out in my life: Perhaps my tumors grew a little between scans, but did they multiply like horny bunnies? No. Have they ever? No. So what’s the chance they will this time? The facts after 20 years of living with cancer are pretty consistent. But in times of high stress, my imagination still needs to be reminded.
Questions for you to ponder as you investigate the facts: Do you know for certain that the scary movie you’re playing in your mind will happen? Is there evidence to the contrary? Or is there someone you can call to verify facts? Could variables such as timing be in play? Or perhaps there is a more benign reason for what you’ve observed (for example, the tumor in my arm that turned out to not be cancerous)? And if the worst-case scenario did happen, could you handle it? How have you been able to handle difficult situations successfully in the past?
Bonus tip: Give the scary movie you’re playing in your mind a funny or absurd title.
- Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown Winds Up Fine—and Accidentally Loving Life
- Oops, I Farted in Yoga in Front of My New Partner and Now My Life Is Over
- I’m Gonna Fall Flat on My Face and Become aSocial Outcast: A Musical
Humor disarms us. It breaks the tension, creating some distance between us and the unhelpful thoughts that threaten to consume us. It can even make us smile, God forbid.
Get out of your head and into your body: Research shows that it’s hard to solve the problems of the mind with the mind. When we’re flooded with fear and anxiety, it’s really challenging to mentally strong-arm ourselves back to calm. We need help changing our mental channel so we can choose a better path. No shame in that game.
Have you watched a dog go into brain rot—incessantly barking or licking a hot spot? Changing that behavior requires changing their physical state, perhaps getting the dog to play ball, go for a walk, or otherwise redirect their energy. Sure, you can shout “No, Todd!” but that doesn’t always work. And even if it does, yelling only makes dogs feel more anxious. Similarly, when we’re anxious, shouting “No!” at ourselves often makes things worse.
This is where movement comes in. Changing your physical state helps change your mental state, too. According to Dr. Wendy Suzuki, Professor of Neural Science and Psychology at New York University, even just 10 minutes of movement per day (walking, aerobics, dance—anything you love that gets your heart pumping) significantly reduces stress and anxiety. Moving your muscles also releases what she refers to as a “bubble bath” of feel-good neurochemicals like serotonin, dopamine, and noradrenaline.
It takes a lot of emotional bravery to walk this path, my friend. And though it may not feel like it now, this work will pay off in ways you can’t imagine.
With that in mind, try to become more aware of the moments when you feel scared and anxious (if you’re like me, that might be once or twice an hour). Instead of allowing those feelings to fester and spread, give yourself the care you deserve.
And when the going gets tough and ornery, just keep tapping into your emotional bravery—your willingness to look at what’s going on with courage, curiosity, and compassion.
Remember, the more we’re willing to know about ourselves, the less weird (wrong or bad) we feel. Over time we come to understand the wisdom of counterculture icon and peace activist Wavy Gravy: “We’re all bozos on the bus, so might as well sit back and enjoy the ride.”
Kris Carr photo credit: Bill Miles. www.BillMiles.com
