Have you ever had a moment when you wanted to share what’s on your mind, but you held back instead?
So many people keep their thoughts and opinions to themselves. For many people it’s difficult to ask for what they want. Maybe this describes you.
You hold back because somewhere along the way you learned the value of people-pleasing. It felt good to get approval from your parents, your peers, or your boss. You also learned how painful it was to express your opinion to someone who didn’t want to hear it. They disapproved of you – maybe even abandoned you – and you felt small, embarrassed, or rejected. So you withdrew and vowed to never speak up again.
Here are some possible reasons why you hold your tongue:
- Fear of judgment. Your opinions or desires might be quirky or out of the ordinary, and people will think you’re weird
- Fear of looking silly. You worry that you won’t make sense and people will dismiss you by rolling their eyes or laughing at you
- Fear of being high-maintenance. You don’t want to be one of those people who are demanding and hard to please
- Fear of not being heard. You believe they won’t hear you and nothing will change so why bother
- Fear of being wrong. You worry that you don’t have all the facts, you’re making a big deal out of nothing, or the thing you really want is too expensive, time consuming, or self-indulgent.
When you don’t speak up about something that’s really important to you, you give your power away. You let others decide what’s important or what you need. Over time you give up your priorities and preferences to keep the peace. Life feels heavy and draining. You’ll say, “it’s fine” when your boss wants you to work overtime again, or when a friend breaks a promise, or when someone disrespects you in front of your children.
If you continue down this path, you’ll become angry. That anger will stem from not honoring your values, beliefs, needs, and desires. You’ll live out of integrity, and deep down you’ll know it. That anger turns into depression, and you’ll continue to shrink. Or maybe you’ll become reactive and burn every bridge you cross.
It doesn’t have to be this way. You can speak your mind and experience more joy, freedom, happiness, and abundance. Here are four ways you can shift from hiding your truth from others to showing-up authentically in your life:
Notice your inner critic. It’ll try its best to convince you to keep your mouth shut, keep your head down, and not make a fuss. It’ll make a sound case for you to believe your thoughts won’t matter and nothing will change. Your inner critic will do this because it wants to protect you from the hurt you’ve experienced in the past. Are you in any real danger? If not, remind yourself that you’re safe and it’s likely you’re hearing a voice from the past. Thank it for trying to protect you, then…
Make yourself right. Your inner wisdom wants to guide you. Take a few moments to go within. What do you sense in your body? What do you hear? Your inner wisdom speaks to you in different ways and you’ll know when something feels right. Rather than rationalize or explain your feelings away, listen for your next steps, which might be to turn down a request for your time or talk to your partner about an ongoing issue. Trust that you know what’s best for you.
You don’t have to be a great orator to get your point across. Sometimes expressing yourself is a messy experience. It can be difficult to express your feelings or desires with words, especially if you’re not used to doing so. But don’t wait until you have the perfect words to say what you need to say. It’s okay to stumble; just keep sharing in an authentic, vulnerable, and transparent way. The energy behind the words, your unique expression, and respect for others is all you need.
Let go of managing other people’s feelings. As long as they’re not hurting you or being disrespectful, allow them to express what they feel. You’re not responsible for their feelings. They may share their disappointment or anger, and you’ll be tempted to reel everything back in to make it all better, but stay the course. As adults they’re more than capable of taking care of themselves. Focus on standing in integrity with yourself.
Speaking up can create tension and conflict. People will have their stories about you and the things you want or the opinions you share. You have no control over that. And you may not change a situation by speaking up, but you’ll change. By speaking your truth you’re claiming your worth in the world. You’re asserting your power and affirming your right to be heard and respected.
What the world needs are more people sharing their voices and declaring their truth, not less. The world needs YOU to be more of who you really are.
