Do you ever have a fight with someone who isn’t there to hear you? Maybe they are out of town, or out of your life, or not on this planet any longer. But do you still argue with them about something they said, maybe a long time ago? Do you hear the words of that “ghost” echoing in your head and heart? Do you replay the old, worn arguments and engage in the same struggles of self-doubt, self-criticism, self-judgment and self-bullying? Do you now haunt yourself, all by yourself?
If so, you are not alone! It’s actually a pretty common pattern of thought and behavior. One person (knowingly or not) inflicts pain and oppression upon us. Then, when they are absent from our lives for any amount of time, they figuratively set down the baton. And we tend to pick up that baton and continue the persecution process right where they left off. It’s an insidious, personal torment that happens frequently, silently and very destructively.
We continue the old, familiar patterns of seeking approval, fighting against the dis-approval, struggling to forgive, trying to recover, and eventually submitting to exhaustion. When we haven’t really reached resolution and healing, and then stumble upon a moment of weakness (usually relative to self-worth), it’s almost automatic to start up the same old fight all over again. It’s scary to realize we do it to ourselves. And it’s empowering to realize we do it to ourselves.
My toughest moments are when I’m my biggest bully. I recently engaged in a knock-down, drag-out fight with a once-prominent person in my life, who frequently and convincingly told me I was not worthy, not good enough, too big for my britches and, well, you get the idea. We had it out, big time, even though I was alone. I yelled. I cried. I wrestled with all the age-old abusive judgments. “You rejected me when I was troubled and afraid and crying!” “You told me I was fat!” “You told me I was horrid!” “You said I was difficult to love!”
And then, in a bright, beautiful moment, it struck me: “That’s a lie!”
And there it was… the three words that instantly ended that hour of self-bullying. Whether I was saying the hurtful things to myself, or hearing echoes of my past, it was true: That’s a lie!
I yelled back, “I was NOT horrid! I was NOT fat! I AM worthy of love and acceptance, NOT abandonment!” “I am EASY to love!”
Woah! Did that just happen? I felt self-righteous at first, then befuddled and then… peaceful. In a fit of rage, I stumbled upon the best tool I had never heard of, nor practiced: Simply call it out… That’s a lie! And once I became clear in the reality of that resounding response, I could use the question my coach taught me some time ago: What else could be true? And then I could begin to tell myself the truth about myself. And finally, I could throw down the damn baton.
“That’s a lie” is like “What else could be true” on steroids. When the energy between you and your opponent (dead or alive) is so thick and strong that it is sucking you into the familiar torment, you need a big, sharp knife of words to cut that energy. “That’s a lie” is a machete, of sorts. And once you have sliced through that energy, and the old lies are shredded with it, you can begin to repair, to re-think, to renew your belief in yourself, to replace the old hurtful patterns with compassion and hope and healing.
I encourage you to remember these three words. And carry them with you. Put them in your phone. Use them as a screensaver on your laptop. Tattoo them on your arm. Place a sticky note on your mirror or dashboard. Make sure you will see this message often, because you will need the reminder when you are hurting the most.
Make it a habit to identify the lies you tell yourself, and call them out:
- You’ll never be good enough. That’s a lie!
- You’re not worthy. That’s a lie!
- You’re not ready. That’s a lie!
- You’re weak. That’s a lie!
- You’re too (something) or not enough (something). That’s a lie!
- You aren’t loveable. That’s a lie!
- You’re not capable. That’s a lie!
- You shouldn’t try. That’s a lie!
- You aren’t smart enough. That’s a lie!
- You’ll never amount to anything. That’s a lie!
- You shouldn’t pursue your dream. That’s a lie!
- You’re a misfit. That’s a lie!
Now… when you are done with the lies and ready to move forward, ask yourself, “What else could be true?” and begin to believe the truth about yourself. You are bright. You are brilliant. You are loveable and capable. You are magnificent. You have passions that light you up. You have talents and skills to share. You belong. The world needs you. You make a difference. You are precious. You shine! And that’s the truth.
© Copyright 2025 Lemke Leadership, Inc., Karen K. Lemke
