We are of two minds about a lot of things. We can be of two minds about saving and spending money, about distance and closeness in relationships, about healthy living practices, and about how many episodes of the Netflix show we are going to watch tonight so we can go to bed early.
Consider a change you want to make. Now consider what may be keeping you from making that change. These are two parts of you: a part who wants the change and a part who keeps you from changing. The Internal Family Systems model has a way of explaining these challenges we all experience by describing our personality as being made up of parts. We have parts who try to protect us and parts who need protecting.
Each personality is not just made up of parts. You are there, too, Your Authentic Self at the core. This is the deepest essence of who you are. This is the You that you tap into when you feel calm, curious, compassionate, and creative. It is the You when you feel that Flow, when you Know something is a Yes, and when you feel that something is a No. It is the You that is present in quiet meditation, when you are in nature. When there is more of you, your protective parts can soften and relax back knowing you are the Adult Leader they need. The Self is like the sun, always present but it cannot always be fully experienced due to the thick clouds that are the parts.
Identifying these parts is not difficult to do, it simply requires focus and attention. You can identify parts by simply noticing and naming anything that does not feel like you. Parts generate personality characteristics, behaviors, thoughts, beliefs, and feelings. You can begin thinking in terms of parts: A part feels, A part thinks, A part wants to do, etc.
Now, return to the parts you identified around making a change. Imagine holding one part in one hand and its counterpart in the other hand. One part wants to drink more water and you aren’t doing it so you know there is another part there who says, “No, thank you. Let’s just forget about it.”
Here are three ways to begin working with your parts around making a change:
1. Get to know the part who wants to make the change and the one who does not.
Imagine taking these parts out for coffee or tea as you would likable friends you are curious to understand. As you experience this space between you as the table separates you, ask these parts if they notice your openness. See if they are aware that they are not you and you are not them. They are both parts of you with positive intention for you. These parts are used to arguing with one another. See how it is to be together with openness and friendliness from you.
2. Befriending both parts and finding out how they are trying to help you.
Look back and forth between both parts and ask yourself if you are feeling open hearted towards both. If you are not, this is another part. Ask it to leave the table so you can be with both with more curiosity. Let both ‘change’ parts know you want to hear from each one and they will take turns talking to you. Choose one to start with and ask it how it is trying to help you, and what it is afraid would happen if you didn’t make this change or if you did make this change. Ask it if there is anything else it wants you to know and what it needs from you. Thank it for talking to you and turn towards the other part. After you have spent time with both, see if they have a similar agenda such as, they both want you to be happy, safe, loved, or not to fail. Thank them both for how hard they work to protect you so you don’t experience these unpleasant experiences.
Now that you have gotten to know some of your inner world see what it is like to notice these multiple parts of you. These parts feel like you and believe they are you. With space and separation, the café table between you, they can see you are there, too, and you can have an open, curious dialogue together.
3. Experience more of you when you make checking in with parts a habit.
You can do this same exercise with any part of you that you would like to get to know whether that is a feeling, a belief or a behavior. Take a breath, smile. Imagine space between curious, open-hearted you and this symptom, characteristic, or trait. Say Hello. Extend your attention to it. Notice what this feels like: there is me and a part of me who is experiencing this pain, feeling, thought. I can be with it. I can have a relationship to it. It is not all of me.
You know it is not all of you because you have another part reacting to it. Whatever you are experiencing right now, check inside and see if there is not another part who has something to say or a feeling about it. Instead of this causing the turmoil it usually does, imagine inviting both parts up to the table to have a conversation with you. Notice the curiosity, the softening, the harmony you experience when you befriend all the parts of you.
Make a habit of noticing parts of you throughout the day. When you notice thoughts, “I wish he wouldn’t talk to me that way!” That is a part. Or a belief, “Nobody likes me! I can’t do anything right!” Those are parts. When you notice feeling sad, mad, embarrassed, or upset that is a part. When you notice bodily sensations in your gut and chest this could be a part, too. If you aren’t sure, you can ask inside, “Is there are a part here trying to tell me something?”
By identifying parts and being curious about their role in your life, you can experience more harmony between your inner and outer worlds.
