We all want and desire strong and healthy relationships, despite our past negative ones. It’s a deep need we all have, to feel love and to belong. Today’s family is very different from our parents and grandparents ideal of family. The definition of family is no longer just defined as a mother, a father and a child. Our diverse family picture comprises of single parents, adoptive parents, couples with fur babies, same sex couples, couples living together and stepfamilies. Social and community groups who have a common goal or vision, who have a special bond because of an event, see themselves as family as well. We no longer define family by blood relations but by how we see ourselves.
One family type that faces challenges that nuclear families don’t are stepfamilies. For one, stepfamilies are created through the merging of two individuals where one or both brought a child from a previous relationship into this one. This means that in some situations, there may still be unresolved sadness or anger from the adults or the children. Also, an ex-partner may still be involved with caring for his/her child(ren). This can complicate coming together as a stepfamily.
Second, there are no honeymoon period where the couple has time to adapt into becoming a new family. In a stepfamily, it can take anywhere between four to seven years, and in some cases, even longer to create a sense of family. Stepmoms often feel like the outsider, not knowing how to fit in or what their role is.
Media has done an injustice when portraying stepfamilies, specifically stepmoms. They’re often depicted as evil, scheming and treacherous. The prefix “Step” comes from the old English word Steop which means “to care for a bereaving child.” It has nothing to do with the images fairy tale stepmothers are made up from.
It’s important to note that not all stepfamilies struggle. Many women who become stepmoms do so because they feel they can positively contribute to the family and bring support to the dad in raising his kids. A legacy we can leave our children is to raise them in a strong and healthy home.
What Does a Strong and Healthy Stepfamily Look Like
In order to create strong and healthy stepfamilies, it’s a good idea to know what this look like. There are many ways to come together feeling like a family. What works for one stepfamily may not work for yours. As long as you commit to trying something until this strategy works for you, then you’re on your way to creating a strong and healthy stepfamily.
Here are three characteristics that most healthy stepfamilies have in common:
- A clear understanding of each family member’s role in the family
- Well defined healthy boundaries in place with clear sets of consequences
- An ability to share and voice concerns and challenges without fear of rejection
Understanding Roles
Strong and healthy stepfamilies understand that some roles, like being the parent, stay the same, others, like who drives the kids to activities, shift, and new ones, being a stepparent, are created. Stepparenting is a time were being flexible and patient is important. No one is born knowing how to parent or stepparent. Kids need time to adapt in having another adult in the home.
Try on different roles, such as being a mentor, a role model, a parent, an adviser, a friend.
When everyone understands what their roles are in the family, allow time and space to make mistakes and move forward. Focus on getting to know one another, then like each other to allow trust to emerge.
Healthy Boundaries Creates Security in The Home
Strong and healthy stepfamilies know that having boundaries helps to create a strong sense of security for all. Boundaries are about having everyone in the family recognize and identify what’s OK and what’s not OK within the family. This is especially important to stepfamilies as how we function as a family is often different from what as customary from the previous relationship.
Some of our behaviors and habits might have been fine with our nuclear family but not so with our stepfamily. Take the time to talk about what is acceptable behaviors and manner for everyone in the home and what are the consequences if these boundaries are broken. Most important is that consequences are predictable and consistent and reflective of the boundaries that were disrespected.
When everyone knows the rules of the family, there’s a stronger sense of belonging.
Dealing with Concerns Without Fear of Rejection
Strong and healthy stepfamilies take the time to talk about issues that arises rather than avoid conflict. When roles are understood and boundaries respected, it’s easier to talk about what’s bothering us without feeling afraid of judgement or rejection.
A good way to engage in guilt free conversations is to set up weekly family meetings. Take turns sharing concerns that have come up over the week, seek to understand what the other person is feeling or going through and let them know you’ve heard what they said. Ask the person if they’re seeking help with the problem or just wanted to share.
Being heard creates a strong sense of acceptance and belonging in a person. Strong and healthy stepfamilies strive to be inclusive of all family members, whether they live under the same roof or not.
