One of the most painful things my clients encounter on their way to creating the life of their dreams is what I refer to as self-sabotage. It looks like this: A vision for a better future is identified. A plan is in place and step-by-step things are moving toward that vision. Life is changing; your vision is starting to become a reality.
AND then IT happens.
It’s like lightning strikes and a really, really unconscious decision destroys all that progress and BAM! you are 5 steps backward feeling defeated. The voice inside your head starts to justify why it was not possible in the first place. Or that nagging voice of the “little you” starts whining and beating you up for once again screwing up.
Often it is at this point where I see clients decide to discard that goal and shift to setting a different one (often one in a totally different category of life or a smaller version of the original goal). It is an interesting perspective that I’m able to observe these amazing people actually stop trying. At least for a little while until the pain of their poor decision, behavior or action is forgotten.
Why do I tell you this? Because if you are creating a better life and reaching for the best-version-of-yourself then you will inevitably face self-sabotage. Once you know what it is you can face it with awareness. So how do you know it?
Often self-sabotage will evoke the feeling of shame. If you are a-shame-d of something you have done it will quite possibly be tied to a self-sabotaging moment in your life. The action or behavior is so out of character for the person you are today. It may have been a behavior or action the old or younger you would have taken but certainly not the wise and conscious you.
The damage occurs when we allow that self-sabotaging event to define us in some way and create a limiting belief about ourselves. For some reason, in a really odd way, it makes us feel safer to have a limiting belief about our self. We can stay safe and within a defined space that way. I mean how intimidating to realize the sky really isn’t the limit for any of us. Well that means we have further to go to be “successful” or that we are actually capable of so much more. That doesn’t excite very many people. The road to self-mastery is never crowded.
Here are 3 steps to turn to when self-sabotage shows up:
- Awareness is the first shield of defense. When you start to make progress toward your goal and start feeling a bit, well, cocky, then keep your eyes open. Stay awake in your life. This is when self-sabotage sneaks into the moment. Moving toward a goal can often give us this feeling of believing we’ve got this in the bag. The truth is you do! However there is a part of you that also wants to stay safe and small. Let’s just call that the ego.2. Feel the resistance (a.k.a fear). I will share more on resistance and fear later, however for right now just know that resistance is your friend! When you feel resistance you are approaching something really big. It is a stretching and growing moment. The feeling is uncomfortable and that is usually a big indicator you are growing. Growth means that you are moving in uncharted territory and that scares the hell out of the ego. Good! If we live a life that makes our ego feel good and secure then we are living a much too small life for what our hearts and souls are here to bring to the world.
3. Run toward your fear. Yes! I said run toward it. The discomfort will continue until you move through the resistance (fear) and just on the other side is a really expansive and delicious new experience. Ok, it isn’t always delicious, but it is new and new is good. You see, change is always happening and when you approach it with awareness, feel the resistance and then run toward the fear — then you are driving the change. You are driving the direction that the changes will touch your life.
So, let’s get real.
Approaching our goals with our eyes open and wide awake and with awareness will create the opportunity to eliminate self-sabotaging moments. The idea is to catch them before they kick us in the pants.
Take a moment and think back to the self-sabotaging moments you have had in your life and how the 3 step approach above may have altered the diversion and supported you in moving toward your desired goals.
You’ve got this my friend!
XO,
Marianne
